Dear Patty

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

This club bites!!!

Bored in Bulgaria

Well Bored,

Bite it right back!!

Always good advice.

Dear Patty:

I’m an insomniac.

Sleepless in Seattle

Sleepless,

To relieve you of your indisposition, you should watch old reruns of What’s Happening? That should do the trick.

Aww... What's Happening not getting any love! Then again, there must be a reason why it plays at 4am on Nick at Night ( note I have no idea if either What's Happening or Nick at Night are still on the air).

Dear Patty:

I need to get laid still.

Then you need to stop moving.

Muncher in Miami

Well, Muncher

The answer to this question lies in how desperate you are. Here are a few suggestions from Avery, my apprentice:

1- Go to a rave. There are plenty of people who are willing to take you op on your offer.

2- If not a rave, then go to Warsaw. (Warsaw was a gay club on south beach, not really a good place to go look for a woman but at least you got out of the house for a bit.)

Dear Patty:

I’m hungry, what should I eat?

Starving in Cincinnati

Dear Starving:

I suggest you go to Fuddruckers and get yourself a large basket of fries. Yumm!!

We used to go there almost every week before going to the Kitchen Club. The boys never had any money so they would just eat the free stuff from the condiments bar. One time I saw JC eat a full plate of tomatos and nacho cheese. ugh. I think there might have been some onions involved too.

Dear Patty:

What are crabs?

Confused in Colorado

Well, Confused:

According to Webster’s dictionary, they are numerous marine broadly decapod crustaceans.

They are.

Dear Patty:

I don’t really like this boy and he’s already confessed his love for me. What should I do?

Nutjob in G

Nutjob:

I know it sucks when that happens but the best thing for you to do is to tell the poor boy your true feelings. If he’s cool, he’ll understand. And may the force be with you.

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

Where can I find a date that will do me right?

Answ: go to Spec’s

That was a vicious lie! I used to visit Patty at work all the time and I never did find a proper date. Specs was a record store, in case you didn't know.

Dear Patty:

I need to get somebody to fall madly in love with me before Xmas so that he can buy me the $70 Barbie I want. What should I do?

Answ: love potion. Put a spell on a person or meet lots of drunk guys who will give you $10 and $15 each and accumulate the money for the doll.

This one was mine. I Never did find the love potion but I did get the Barbie doll. I had to settle for the lower priced version without the outfits but at least I got the doll. Still have it too.

Dear Patty:

If I get a breast reduction, will the doctor pierce them?

Answ: I don’t see why not.

I don't remember who asked this one. I wonder if he ever did get his nipples pierced?

Dear Patty:

I tried to sleep but the phone kept on ringing. What should I do?

Frustrated in Flagler.

Answ: take the phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall.

Awww... remember when phones used to be connected to the wall?

Dear Patty:

I have a purple bump on the back of my ear where it’s pierced and it’s bothering me.

Crusty in Miami Lakes

Answ: well, if there is anything bothering you or anything on your body, especially if it wasn’t there in the first place, it’s a sign that something isn’t right and should be taken care of. In short, maybe it’s infected.

We were always very careful to make it clear that Patty was not a real licensed physician and not a substitute for medical help.

I don't remember who posted this question, but I do remember Nancy piercing people's ear in her house with a potato and a sewing needed so she was probably responsible for this in some capacity.

Dear Patty:

I hate my cousin.

Begly

Answ: well Begly, in order to answer your question I need to know what it is. Write me again and elaborate on it.

That is a sketch I did of Monica looking out a window or something. I really have no idea, I just know it's Monica. It looks exactly like her. I'm good.

Alternation Wide was somebody who sent me that ad to post. As usual, I had absolutely no info on what they did, I just posted their ad.

Begly Don’t Want Poems

By Aralis and Patty

Begly don’t want poems

That have her name

Begly don’t want poems

She doesn’t want the fame

Begly don’t want poems

About the way she dance

Begly don’t want poems

About her romance

Begly don’t want poems

About long distance flings

Begly don’t want poems

About Ernie’s things

Begly don’t want poems

Of how boys she likes are gay

Begly don’t want poems

Tomorrow or today

I think this one was an actual good one. It kinda rhymes and it had some sort of rhythm going. Anyway, Begly should have known better than to tell us to stop writing poems about her.

I have no idea why I drew a plasma ball as the accompanying illustration. They're just cool, I guess.

Coming Up: Dear Patty!

Write to Dear Patty on our next issue

This was just a random little blurb under the Morrissey poem. Well not even a blurb, more like an incomplete sentence. The important thing is that this was the beginning of out self-help column. Patty really does have a gift for this, she should take it back up.

Feel free to send her psychotically obsessive requests to restart her column.