Untitled (yes, I am aware we have about 20 of these)

Untitled

By Patty

You fucking tacky flag boy

You don’t even deserve a poem

No idea WTF this is about. I don't remember us hanging out with any flag boys or what a flag boy is. Whatever it is, one of them most have really pissed off Patty.

Deep thoughts Issue 4

Deep thoughts

As usual, a collection of the really important things that we had to say.

One thing is to be obsessed; another thing is to let him know about it

            Aralis

 This came about because a friend of mine was obsessed with this guy at her job. The theory was that it was okay that she spent all her time talking about it as long as he didn't find out about it.And BTW, this really is about a friend of mine, not one of those instances where "a friend of mine" really means me. I'm not saying I've never done it, I'm just saying it never inspired a post (cuz then he would know, you know?)

If it feels weird in my mouth I won’t eat it, no matter how good it tastes.

            Aralis

Believe it or not this is about mushrooms.

The club was like a $10 hooker, it sucked!

            Monica

There is a strong posibility that Monica was not the first person to ever say this, but she was the first one I heard so she gets the credit. 

It still makes me giggle every time I read it.

You can’t summon a deep thought. They have to just come to you.

            Patty

That is true. That didn't stop me from constantly bug people to give me a deep thought. Well, I eventually stopped. Although if anybody wants to send me a new one I will go ahead an print it now.

It just hit me that these are nothing more than twitter alerts now.

 

The reason you have to put quarters in the tollbooth is to pay the salary of those people that work there.

            Aralis  

I once said this to someone for no reason whatsoever and they thought that it was the funniest thing they had ever heard.  I don't remember who it was, but I think it was a guy, if that narrows it down. Anyway, I figured if one person thought it was that funny, then it was worthy of publishing.

 

The reason why a centerfold is called a centerfold is cuz it’s in the center and it’s folded.

            Aralis

 This one's just true.

Sitting on a loud speaker will massage your legs.

            Patty

Yeah, your legs.

I was trying to sound saucy there but it doesn't quite work when ALL the letters are in italics.

 

Chives are stupid.

            Aralis

Well they are! They get in your teeth and they are not really that delicious to begin with. They really add nothing to food but a bit of color.

MTV/VH1

I don’t think VH1 is

That bad

And MTV is not

That cool

            SuperPatty

Patty's response to Nancy's previous poem. It was a very wise statement at the time but completely pointless now since both MTV and VH1 suck...or at least they did last time I checked 8 years ago.

CB and the Bear go Clubbing

Chocolate Boy and the Bear

Chocolate Boy and the Bear wanted to go to this club, but only CB was allowed in cuz the bear wasn’t over 18 so the Bear ate the bouncer and they boogied all night long.

It seems rather pointless to have an episode of Chocolate Boy and the Bear without an illustration being that it was supposed to be our comic. Or rather, it seemed. It turns out I had just misplaced the file with the scan and there is an illustration after all. 
It would have been best if it had remained lost. At least we could have fantasized that it was better.

 

Also of note:

Apparently Mario's band played and someone bought some film. No idea what that antic thing was or if it was just a misspelled antique. 

Club

By Aralis and Patty

So this was supposed to be

This hip and happening place

Well I guess it’s more fun

Than being shot in the face

With mace

But not much more

As a matter of fact

It’s quite boring

Well worth ignoring

I’d rather be home sleeping.

This seems to be the case with a lot of outings: the planning and looking forward and getting dressed up are actually a lot more fun than the actual act of being there.

The Teacher

By Trillian

(Patty)

Why can’t you get to the point?

I want to have a joint.

No she didn't. .. but it rhymed.

There must be a better way.

To say what you have to say.

Such a monotonous tone

You must be overthrown

By Anthony Keidis perhaps

He was rather pretty...This was written about the time The red Hot Chilli Peppers played Lollapaloosa so Anthony Keidis was fresh in everyone's fantasies.

If not, I’ll take a nap

I don’t know, I don’t care

Just as long as you’re not there.

Apparently Patty had a really boring class...I don't really remember the details. Maybe someday she'll finally pop over here and tell us in the comments.

The Gothic Boogie

By Aralis and Patty

I’m so sad and miserable

Nobody understands me

And even less people like me

So I’m gonna dress up

All in black

And sit hunched over

In the middle

Of the dance floor

Like a little cocoon

Wrapped up in my sorrows.

I can't be 100% sure, but I think the guy who inspired this poem ended up dating another one of my friends years later. He would also sit up in the cage dancer's cage looking all despondent and tragic. Like, do not look at me, I'm sad...but seriously, look at me! Pleeesee!

Dear Patty

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

This club bites!!!

Bored in Bulgaria

Well Bored,

Bite it right back!!

Always good advice.

Dear Patty:

I’m an insomniac.

Sleepless in Seattle

Sleepless,

To relieve you of your indisposition, you should watch old reruns of What’s Happening? That should do the trick.

Aww... What's Happening not getting any love! Then again, there must be a reason why it plays at 4am on Nick at Night ( note I have no idea if either What's Happening or Nick at Night are still on the air).

Dear Patty:

I need to get laid still.

Then you need to stop moving.

Muncher in Miami

Well, Muncher

The answer to this question lies in how desperate you are. Here are a few suggestions from Avery, my apprentice:

1- Go to a rave. There are plenty of people who are willing to take you op on your offer.

2- If not a rave, then go to Warsaw. (Warsaw was a gay club on south beach, not really a good place to go look for a woman but at least you got out of the house for a bit.)

Dear Patty:

I’m hungry, what should I eat?

Starving in Cincinnati

Dear Starving:

I suggest you go to Fuddruckers and get yourself a large basket of fries. Yumm!!

We used to go there almost every week before going to the Kitchen Club. The boys never had any money so they would just eat the free stuff from the condiments bar. One time I saw JC eat a full plate of tomatos and nacho cheese. ugh. I think there might have been some onions involved too.

Dear Patty:

What are crabs?

Confused in Colorado

Well, Confused:

According to Webster’s dictionary, they are numerous marine broadly decapod crustaceans.

They are.

Dear Patty:

I don’t really like this boy and he’s already confessed his love for me. What should I do?

Nutjob in G

Nutjob:

I know it sucks when that happens but the best thing for you to do is to tell the poor boy your true feelings. If he’s cool, he’ll understand. And may the force be with you.

Ode to my Television

By Patty

Oh how I long to turn you on

Pressing the right buttons to satisfy our needs

Listening to your sweet sounds, but no!

You just lay there

Collecting dust

Oh how I ache to see you again

Penetrating you with a surge of energy

Awakening you from your deep sleep.

Ah, the ever popular sexual innuendo with everyday object. A classic.

You can see we got real lazy with this one, there is no artwork and I didn't even bother to type it. Let's pretend it was on purpose and call it minimalistic, shall we?

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

Where can I find a date that will do me right?

Answ: go to Spec’s

That was a vicious lie! I used to visit Patty at work all the time and I never did find a proper date. Specs was a record store, in case you didn't know.

Dear Patty:

I need to get somebody to fall madly in love with me before Xmas so that he can buy me the $70 Barbie I want. What should I do?

Answ: love potion. Put a spell on a person or meet lots of drunk guys who will give you $10 and $15 each and accumulate the money for the doll.

This one was mine. I Never did find the love potion but I did get the Barbie doll. I had to settle for the lower priced version without the outfits but at least I got the doll. Still have it too.

Dear Patty:

If I get a breast reduction, will the doctor pierce them?

Answ: I don’t see why not.

I don't remember who asked this one. I wonder if he ever did get his nipples pierced?

Dear Patty:

I tried to sleep but the phone kept on ringing. What should I do?

Frustrated in Flagler.

Answ: take the phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall.

Awww... remember when phones used to be connected to the wall?

Dear Patty:

I have a purple bump on the back of my ear where it’s pierced and it’s bothering me.

Crusty in Miami Lakes

Answ: well, if there is anything bothering you or anything on your body, especially if it wasn’t there in the first place, it’s a sign that something isn’t right and should be taken care of. In short, maybe it’s infected.

We were always very careful to make it clear that Patty was not a real licensed physician and not a substitute for medical help.

I don't remember who posted this question, but I do remember Nancy piercing people's ear in her house with a potato and a sewing needed so she was probably responsible for this in some capacity.

Dear Patty:

I hate my cousin.

Begly

Answ: well Begly, in order to answer your question I need to know what it is. Write me again and elaborate on it.

That is a sketch I did of Monica looking out a window or something. I really have no idea, I just know it's Monica. It looks exactly like her. I'm good.

Alternation Wide was somebody who sent me that ad to post. As usual, I had absolutely no info on what they did, I just posted their ad.