Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

Where can I find a date that will do me right?

Answ: go to Spec’s

That was a vicious lie! I used to visit Patty at work all the time and I never did find a proper date. Specs was a record store, in case you didn't know.

Dear Patty:

I need to get somebody to fall madly in love with me before Xmas so that he can buy me the $70 Barbie I want. What should I do?

Answ: love potion. Put a spell on a person or meet lots of drunk guys who will give you $10 and $15 each and accumulate the money for the doll.

This one was mine. I Never did find the love potion but I did get the Barbie doll. I had to settle for the lower priced version without the outfits but at least I got the doll. Still have it too.

Dear Patty:

If I get a breast reduction, will the doctor pierce them?

Answ: I don’t see why not.

I don't remember who asked this one. I wonder if he ever did get his nipples pierced?

Dear Patty:

I tried to sleep but the phone kept on ringing. What should I do?

Frustrated in Flagler.

Answ: take the phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall.

Awww... remember when phones used to be connected to the wall?

Dear Patty:

I have a purple bump on the back of my ear where it’s pierced and it’s bothering me.

Crusty in Miami Lakes

Answ: well, if there is anything bothering you or anything on your body, especially if it wasn’t there in the first place, it’s a sign that something isn’t right and should be taken care of. In short, maybe it’s infected.

We were always very careful to make it clear that Patty was not a real licensed physician and not a substitute for medical help.

I don't remember who posted this question, but I do remember Nancy piercing people's ear in her house with a potato and a sewing needed so she was probably responsible for this in some capacity.

Dear Patty:

I hate my cousin.

Begly

Answ: well Begly, in order to answer your question I need to know what it is. Write me again and elaborate on it.

That is a sketch I did of Monica looking out a window or something. I really have no idea, I just know it's Monica. It looks exactly like her. I'm good.

Alternation Wide was somebody who sent me that ad to post. As usual, I had absolutely no info on what they did, I just posted their ad.

Beat me

By Aralis

You can hit me

I don’t care

Beat me senseless

If you dare

Tie me up

And gag me too

Strike me until

I’m black and blue

Senseless torture

I don’t mind

As a matter of fact

I encourage it.

A couple of pages over, I would post another poem about how don't you dare to hit me but I will be more than happy to beat you up. A girl is entitled to change her mind, isn't she? Ah, the pleasures of schizophrenic S & M!

Let Me

By Nancy

Let me strip you from the waist down

Let me tie you up in the closet

Let me pour hot fudge

On your happily hard genitalia

When it cools

Let me lick it up

Let me bathe you

In lemony fresh Pledge

And let the dust have its way with you

First of all I need to add this disclaimer: don't try this at home.

I cannot be responsible for any 3rd degree chocolate burns on your man's goodies because someone got too carried away by Nancy's poetry. Then again, if you are not smart enough to realize hot sticky substance + extra sensitive body part = bad, maybe it's a good thing if you don't procreate.

Anything for a Q-tip

By Nancy

I need a Q-tip

Oh how I need a Q-tip

I haven’t had a Q-tip in five days

I just love the way it feels

Having that Q-tip between your

Fingers

Knowing it will soon find its way

Into your ear canal.

Who cares what the doctor says?

He don’t know the ecstasy

I’ll do anything for a Q-tip

Oh that precious Q-tip

When you stick it in and move

It in and out

The soothing comfort

The relaxed satisfied feeling

Only from a Q-tip.

Nancy was a pioneer in the obscure niche of Q-tip porn.

Would you get Dirty with me?

The smudges on the page were done on purpose. It was supposed to be dirt. Nobody got it back then either, even though I wrote "Dirt, get it?" with an arrow pointing to it. It's okay, it was funny to me.

Would you get Dirty with me?

Ew no, you're like my brother!

By Fruitman in Wonderland

Once again, the lines are more to do with making the poem look symmetrical than an actual need for the line to end at that particular point.

Would you…let me tie you up

Against the banister with

Handcuffs?

Would you… let me pour

Juices all over your naked

Body so I can drink them?

That just seems messy. I just keep picturing it would have to be a very oddly shaped concave body to be able to hold liquids. It would be like one of those things where they serve sushi on naked people only this one guy would have this hollow spot like on his stomach or his chest where they would serve juice and it would look kinda gross so maybe it would be a good thing to have at say, a weight watchers social, where people are actually trying to be put off sugary beverages. Have some water instead! It's just crazy enough to work...Fruitman, you're a genius!

Would you… wear leather

Underwear so I can taste

You?

What is the correlation between leather and taste. Is it like MSG where it brings up the flavor?

Would you…open yourself to

Me?

Would you…get dirty with

Me?

Avery and a Beer

Avery tried to resist, but I finally got him to contribute. Sadly it was only a one time thing so the world was denied further self portraits of alcohol consumption in inadequate glassware.

Picking thru the trash with Boo

Oh dear, here come Boo. Boo was particularly bad in that very complicated way where you are trying to be bad on purpose to be funny but end up being really bad in reality and not funny at all. I was never really sure what she was doing...

Hey girls, I’m Boo! Join me every month with the juiciest, trashiest hot gossip you’ve ever had.

Madonna, Madonna

Bitch she is

On a wild night

She came home from

The club

Oh shit!

Someone was parked

In exclusive parking space

She went storming into

The housing

To find her brother

Getting his lollypop sucked

By a hustler

She interrupted and said

Somebody better move their

Fucking car

What a hoe!

Oh well, and right at

His peak to come

Oops!

I know Boo just pulled this out of her ass, but I need to defend Madonna here for her imaginary transgression. I get really annoyed when someone parks on my space, and a blowjob is really not an excuse that is going to make me think otherwise.

Tacky video of the month

Push the little daisy and make them come up by Ween

Was it? Judge for yourself:

Tacky single of the month

Lisa Loeb with Stay

Oh come on, you know that song, don't make me have to go look it up.

Movie Review

Interview with a homo it is what a movie. Great sensuous and very homoerotic said Tom Cruise we have experienced before. Brad Pitt…what a Pitt! Major homophobia but he played a great fag.

I have no idea what she is talking about here...is she mad at Brad Pitt? Does she like him? Does she like Tom Cruise? I can't even tell if she liked the movie.

Wansetta’s Party Tips

Hello, I’m Wansetta the party tip girl. Where there’s a party, there’s Wansetta. Academy award wining, outrageous, flexible and tolerant to modern living society.

At long last, the highly anticipated first appearance of Wansetta Boom Boom for your reading pleasure. Her party tips was her monthly column, but I believe she might have written some poems too.

Every month I’ll give party tips for those savage, exotic, glamorous and hideous guests of yours.

Remember, this was the Party Monster era.

Dear Wansetta,

I’m kind of, u, broke but I want to have a cool party. What should I do?

Cheap Teen

Do I really need to tell you all the correspondence was made up?

Cheap Teen,

We all are broke at times and run into a little problem. Listen Teen Bean, run to the kitchen, rip open a (box?) of Froot Loops and throw them in a bowl, surprise! Fruit salad. Go into the fridge and pop open some Sunkist soda and left over cherry Jell-o mix all together; add a touch of whisky…spiked fruit punch!

Your party will be a hit! Just don’t play any Bing Crosby or Barbara Streisand records!

Toddle loo!

Hmmm, I really thought there was more than one letter per month. I guess she was just warming up. BTW, you can totally get away with serving dry cereal at a party. My sister and I have done it a couple of times as a joke and nobody even blinked an eye, they just ate it. We have a really great recipe too:

one part frosted flakes

one part cheetos

mix and enjoy.

You're welcome.

Thrift Shopping

Trivia: those "thrift store clothing drawings" were really part of a build your own snowman sticker set. Because stickers are fun. I really enjoy stickers, but can seldom find an appropriate place to put them. It's so much easier when you're a little kid and you just put them on whatever is in front of you.

Thrift Shopping :A hobby that should be respected

By Fruitman

I believe this was the Fruitman's first submission for the zine but he ended up being quite prolific both under his pen name and his secret identity. See if you can guess who it is.

Thrift stores are cool yet musty

Sometimes you’ll find a dress,

And end up with a lamp that’s a bit too dusty.

The prices are good if you look real hard enough

$1.00 or $3.00 some items are just a bargain,

hold on to those goodies so you can do some travelin’.

Even though they smell at times,

I wouldn’t recommend the Vic’s mask,

Which Aralis mentioned in her last rhyme.

If you are clever enough you could change the prices.

For those who are better, you can even misplace some items.

So now you know what to do,

The next time you go thrifting,

Misplace those old shoes.

Ah, the Fruitman and I used to go thrift shopping on almost a weekly basis. Those were the days. That was before it became trendy and the stores wised up to how much the stuff was really worth. Back then most of the clothing I owned was older than me.

Letters to the editor/ voicemail to the editor

I’ve got an idea, it’s a car alarm: when someone breaks in, it automatically locks up all the doors and a deadly gas comes out. When you get back to your car all you have to do is push the corpse out of your way and drive off. OK, bye!

Nancy, Miami, Fl

I’ll be sending more!!

This is possibly the worst idea ever.

Where is my t-shirt? I love the Hiroshima Club!

Devyn, Atlanta, Ga.

I still have no idea who this Devin was, but apparently he/she contacted us a lot. We never did get any t-shirts made. We should have.

Aralis, it’s me, Patty. Don’t pick me up at my house; pick me up at school by where the busses are. I hope you get this message or I’m stranded here.

Patty, Miami, Fl

Don't worry gang, I did get the message on time. Patty's safe.

I have a deep thought.

Begly, Miami, Fl.

Maybe next month she'll tell us what it is.

Xmas Lists

Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine issue #3

Xmas issue apparently

Welcome to the holiday issue of the Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine. But let us not forget what the true meaning of the season is so here are our xmas lists:

Aralis (editor, poet, queen of the universe)

I've always been partial to that queen of the universe title. I find myself randomly using it all the time.

Animaniacs watch

Got it. It was really nice too, I wonder where it went. Animaniacs was one of the best cartoons ever, I wish they would play reruns somewhere. There was this one episode called "The boids" where the Goodfeathers got jobs as extras on The Birds. Brilliant!

1959 Barbie replica with handmade outfit

I didn't get the big deluxe model with all the outfits but I did get the one that came with the black and white stripped bathing suit.

I want to be a carpenter (cassette)

Got it, and now I have it on CD which I uploaded into my iPod so I have all my bases covered. If you are keeping track, you might have noticed this was 1994 and I was still getting stuff on cassette instead of CD. I've always held on to archaic media. I had a cassette player in my car and didn't see a need to replace it. I actually didn't get a cd player until I got a car that came with one. I'm nostalgic like that.

Trent Reznor

Never did get that one. I don't think I want him anymore either. He has gotten a bit too beefy for my taste. I realize that's a bit like a homeless person complaining about the color of the walls in a free house but then again it's not like Trent is knocking on my door so it's not like that at all.

Kaleidoscope

It was a little one, on a chain. I have no idea why I wanted it so badly. It's in my storage unit somewhere.

Pinky and the Brain t-shirt

It had long sleeves and was so big I wore it as a dress. It was before the oversaturation of baby tees hit the market. I don' know what took the world so long to figure out some of us are under 6ft and weigh less than 150lbs.

Little tiny Barbie

I got a few. That is, I know I've owned little tiny Barbies at some point even though right now I have no idea whatever happened to them. Whether they were these particular little tiny Barbie I was referring to here I don't know.

Taltos by Anne Rice

It was pretty bad. How bad? One of the characters gets resurrected by breast milk, no lie. That bad. I'm not sure and I don't want to have to reread all her stuff to make sure, but this might have been the begging of the end for Anne and me.

Patent leather outfit

When I said patent leather I really meant PVC vinyl.

Same explanation as with the little tiny Barbie except I do know what happened to them. Vinyl doesn't age well. It has a tendency to fall apart and flake off and it doesn't take kindly to stretching if you gain any weight. So basically you need to replace all your fetish wear regularly.

Vinyl clothes

Same as above, but not as shiny.

Feathered boa

Boas are one of those things I always have and yet hardly ever wear.

Photocopier

Never did get it, but the internet took care of everything I needed it for so it's okay.

Patty (poet, father owns photocopy machine)

Well that explains how we printed all those copies of the zine that we gave away.

Converse (white)

Vampire books

Stuff to hold my junk

Bedspread

Purse (not brown)

Rings

Earrings

Concrete Blonde CD

Camera

CD holder

Calendar, a cool one

Chair for my desk

I have no idea if Patty got the stuff she wanted. It's up to her now to come and answer this in the comments. What I do know is that she was a lot less specific about the stuff she wanted than I was.