Begly and the Essay

By Aralis and Patty

Curse the treacherous fiend

Who has imposed

The nightmarish hell

Upon the innocent Begly

700 words?

What does he think she is?

A dictionary?

An encyclopedia?

Interested?

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has toiled in this endeavor

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has come up with nothing

Help from her friends was not enough

Only a couple hundred words

Before their interest fades

Leaving Begly all alone with her torture

Woe is Begly

And her evil homework

Will her misfortunes ever end?

I guess the essay was for art class, which is kinda sad cuz if there is one subject that was made for bullshit, it is art class. This makes it a lot easier than those "fact" based classes such as History and Math where the teacher is looking for one specific answer.

Begly Don’t Want Poems

By Aralis and Patty

Begly don’t want poems

That have her name

Begly don’t want poems

She doesn’t want the fame

Begly don’t want poems

About the way she dance

Begly don’t want poems

About her romance

Begly don’t want poems

About long distance flings

Begly don’t want poems

About Ernie’s things

Begly don’t want poems

Of how boys she likes are gay

Begly don’t want poems

Tomorrow or today

I think this one was an actual good one. It kinda rhymes and it had some sort of rhythm going. Anyway, Begly should have known better than to tell us to stop writing poems about her.

I have no idea why I drew a plasma ball as the accompanying illustration. They're just cool, I guess.

Itsy bitsy spider all fucked up

by: Nora

It was a gloomy Tuesday afternoon (it must have been Tuesday cuz that’s when the Shell stations sell their super unleaded for five cents less).

I filled up Lucky (my car) with at least eight gallons cuz that’s the minimum purchase for a free car wash. The attendant gave me a ticket with the code to use for the car wash: 666

As I drove up to the panel I began to dial 6…6…6… I noticed there was an itsy bitsy tarantula resting on top of the panel.

I immediately loved her and called her Fluffy.

I took a piece of cardboard I found in my car and tried to scoop her up into it with the hopes of giving her a home.

Alas! She fell to the water. I searched and searched but couldn’t find her and as I sadly drove up to the car wash I heard her fragile body crushed under Lucky’s back tire.

Fucked up!

This one has the distinction of being the only thing ever written by Nora for the zine, so it's pretty special. Not good, but special. This was actually a true story. Except for the part where it was a tarantula, the rest is all true. I remember Nora coming to work very upset that she had killed a spider.

Valentines and other Random Stuff

To my valentine: I hope Valentine’s Day finds you naked, tied spread-eagle to a stove and covered in butter.

Nancy

I told you that cat and butter stuff was going to come back, didn't I?

I hope you get laid on Valentine’s Day

Begly

Can't argue with this one.

We are all dead

We like to be alive

We are all dead

We like the afterlife

Ali

This part of a zombie musical Ali and I wrote long before zombies became popular. This was already old when the Hiroshima Club came around so that's how ahead of our time we were. That's also how desperate for material we were that we were digging up stuff from years earlier to fill up the pages. Not sure why it went it the valentines section.

Contest

Send us a picture of your favorite ho! Details next month…

I don't remember this contest at all so I have no idea what we were planning to do with all those pictures of whores. I wonder what the first price in the contest was going to be.

Stems of love

By Nancy

The flowers you bought for me died

I never saw them alive

I was too sick to see them

When they were alive

So you saved them for me to see

A week later I came to visit

And you gave me these stems

You call them stems of love

What are you, a psycho?

What kind of sick bastard

Gives their lover dead moldy roses?

Why couldn’t you just throw them away

And buy me more?

Or are you also cheap?

You cheap psycho bastard!

You could have thrown them away

And I would have never

Known they existed!

But nooooooo!

You had to let me know

The truth about you

And your fucking dead roses.

I've always been particularly proud of my artwork on this poem. Probably looked better than those roses that so angered Nancy.

Deep Thoughts 2.0

Deep Thoughts

If you want to have a chicken to choke, you better treat a woman with respect.

Monica

Cheetos…they are cheesy and corny.

Naila

Big things come in little packages

Michelle

We had a modest turnout of deep thoughts in this issue, probably because most of the writer's efforts went into the pick-up lines instead.

Pick Up Lines

Pick-up lines

You look hungry, why don’t you eat me?
Patty
I think this one comes off more like an insult than a pick-up line, but I would still like to see it in a t-shirt.

I’m an amateur magician. Would you like to see me make myself disappear between your thighs?
Dave
I think Dave might have lied and not really made this one up himself.

Excuse me, I see you are not doing anything with your tongue, would you mind licking me?
Monica
This was part 1 and then you were supposed to respond with:

I don’t lick strangers but if you want to lick me, just lap away.
Stephanie
part 2
I don't know that I want strangers liking me but I guess it's slightly better than me having to lick them? Maybe?

You look like you need a vacation, why don’t you come visit Kima country?
Ya(kima)
This one actually sounds like it might work.

I want to climb your leg like a native boy looking for coconuts
Unknown
I don't remember who came up with this one but I've met someone else since that told me someone used it on her. It would make my life completely if it turned out that person got it from a zine they found at he record store.

Take off all your clothes, cover yourself in butter and tie yourself up to the stove. I’ll be there with a cat in fifteen minutes
Begly
You are going to find at least three more references to this in this issue alone. The whole cat/butter/stove thing refers to a scene in Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty smutfest. I think it was from the second book in the series Beauty's Punishment I think. From what I remember, Sleeping Beauty displeases her mistress so they tie her up to a stove covered in butter for whatever reason and then a cat happens to walk by and starts liking off the butter with sexy results...if you're into having butter licked off you by cats I guess. I haven't read that book in over a decade so I could be wrong. I really need to re-read it and give you guys a review.
The point it, it was such a ridiculous premise that we constantly made fun of it.