if you can’t be good, be as bad as you can possibly be
Back in the 90's, I had a hobby of following my friends around at clubs and making them write bad poetry for me. The word poetry was used very loosely. Well, completely incorrectly would be a better term since it was also used for articles, completely fabricated self-help columns and random complete and utter nonsense. These are the results of those (often drunken) ramblings.
I guess the essay was for art class, which is kinda sad cuz if there is one subject that was made for bullshit, it is art class. This makes it a lot easier than those "fact" based classes such as History and Math where the teacher is looking for one specific answer.
I think this one was an actual good one. It kinda rhymes and it had some sort of rhythm going. Anyway, Begly should have known better than to tell us to stop writing poems about her.
I have no idea why I drew a plasma ball as the accompanying illustration. They're just cool, I guess.
It was a gloomy Tuesday afternoon (it must have been Tuesday cuz that’s when the Shell stations sell their super unleaded for five cents less).
I filled up Lucky (my car) with at least eight gallons cuz that’s the minimum purchase for a free car wash. The attendant gave me a ticket with the code to use for the car wash: 666
As I drove up to the panel I began to dial 6…6…6… I noticed there was an itsy bitsy tarantula resting on top of the panel.
I immediately loved her and called her Fluffy.
I took a piece of cardboard I found in my car and tried to scoop her up into it with the hopes of giving her a home.
Alas! She fell to the water. I searched and searched but couldn’t find her and as I sadly drove up to the car wash I heard her fragile body crushed under Lucky’s back tire.
Fucked up!
This one has the distinction of being the only thing ever written by Nora for the zine, so it's pretty special. Not good, but special. This was actually a true story. Except for the part where it was a tarantula, the rest is all true. I remember Nora coming to work very upset that she had killed a spider.
To my valentine: I hope Valentine’s Day finds you naked, tied spread-eagle to a stove and covered in butter.
Nancy
I told you that cat and butter stuff was going to come back, didn't I?
I hope you get laid on Valentine’s Day
Begly
Can't argue with this one.
We are all dead
We like to be alive
We are all dead
We like the afterlife
Ali
This part of a zombie musical Ali and I wrote long before zombies became popular. This was already old when the Hiroshima Club came around so that's how ahead of our time we were. That's also how desperate for material we were that we were digging up stuff from years earlier to fill up the pages. Not sure why it went it the valentines section.
Contest
Send us a picture of your favorite ho! Details next month…
I don't remember this contest at all so I have no idea what we were planning to do with all those pictures of whores. I wonder what the first price in the contest was going to be.
You look hungry, why don’t you eat me? Patty I think this one comes off more like an insult than a pick-up line, but I would still like to see it in a t-shirt.
I’m an amateur magician. Would you like to see me make myself disappear between your thighs? Dave I think Dave might have lied and not really made this one up himself.
Excuse me, I see you are not doing anything with your tongue, would you mind licking me? Monica This was part 1 and then you were supposed to respond with:
I don’t lick strangers but if you want to lick me, just lap away. Stephanie part 2 I don't know that I want strangers liking me but I guess it's slightly better than me having to lick them? Maybe?
You look like you need a vacation, why don’t you come visit Kima country? Ya(kima) This one actually sounds like it might work.
I want to climb your leg like a native boy looking for coconuts Unknown I don't remember who came up with this one but I've met someone else since that told me someone used it on her. It would make my life completely if it turned out that person got it from a zine they found at he record store.
Take off all your clothes, cover yourself in butter and tie yourself up to the stove. I’ll be there with a cat in fifteen minutes Begly You are going to find at least three more references to this in this issue alone. The whole cat/butter/stove thing refers to a scene in Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty smutfest. I think it was from the second book in the series Beauty's Punishment I think. From what I remember, Sleeping Beauty displeases her mistress so they tie her up to a stove covered in butter for whatever reason and then a cat happens to walk by and starts liking off the butter with sexy results...if you're into having butter licked off you by cats I guess. I haven't read that book in over a decade so I could be wrong. I really need to re-read it and give you guys a review. The point it, it was such a ridiculous premise that we constantly made fun of it.
These were the results to the previous issue's notorious questionnaire. The math made no sense whatsoever so I made up some graphs to make it look more official. I mean I made them now, what I made back them sucked as you can see.
bestiality got 0% votes all around
bondage was much more popular with 94% female, 55% males and 79% total.
necrophilia had a poor showing, probably because we meant real dead people. Vampire/undead section was further down. Still 9% of males said yes with 0 votes from the ladies.
incest 27% males, 22% females said yes
nobody wanted to have sex with their mother
orgies got a surprisingly good turnout with 73% of the males and 50% of females even tho I bet to this day very few of the people who said yes have actually been in an orgy.
cross dressing was no surprise with 27% males and 88% of the female. The thing is, a lot of people considered a girl wearing jeans and a t-shirt to be cross dressing so the female numbers should really have been a lot higher.
Kama Sutra oil of love was by far the most popular thing with 94% male and 91% female. I still have no idea why this was so popular in the 90's. I think maybe it was because they had a kiosk in the mall really close to the store where a lot of us worked. Subliminal advertising, I guess.
Strap-on was very confusing to most of the boys who did not understand how or why were they strapping this device on. After having the concept explained to them, still 22% said yes along with 27% of the girls.
velcro sheets got 50% and 64% male which is pretty good considering nobody knew what they were. I guess that is the percent of people who don't like to admit they don't know what something means.
Nobody wanted a hamster up the butt.
The undead were as popular back then as they are today with 77% of the females and 55% of the males.
Candle wax had the exact same stats which may or may not be a mistake.
Crotchless panties got 50% females 73% of the males.
Saran Wrap 55% male and 45% females mostly due to the popularity of Fried Green Tomatoes.
Prostitution 22% males and 45% females. It should be noted that the women polled thought they were being asked to play dress up while the guys thought they were renting real whores.
Harness got 50% male and 64% females
blow up dolls only got 11% males and 9% females and I even think that's way too much for the females.
exhibitionism got 50% females and 55% males which I know is a vicious lie and in reality way higher.
Voyeurism got the exact same results and my exact same opinion.
Public places were popular for sex with 66% females and 73% of males.
Underage, I feel the need to specify again, mean someone younger than you, not a child. Being that most people polled were around 20, 17 was technically illegal even if still socially acceptable. Anyway, 61% females said yes and 64% of the males.
This could be your arm This could be your leg This could be your stomach This could be the way
The Haagen-Dazs Muscle Machine Only $39 a month. Call 1-800-BIG-N-FAT
I really have no idea who did this one. It looks a bit like Nancy's handwriting, but it' not the kind of poem that she would write. It is not smutty or angy or full of angry smut. I do think those were some halloween stickers I had so it had to be one of my people that wrote it and not one of the random strangers at the Kitchen Club.
This was just a random little blurb under the Morrissey poem. Well not even a blurb, more like an incomplete sentence. The important thing is that this was the beginning of out self-help column. Patty really does have a gift for this, she should take it back up.
Feel free to send her psychotically obsessive requests to restart her column.
Another ode to Morrissey that is not even remotely and ode and its not really about Morrissey either, it's about Nine Inch Nails. It's also not signed, but I think Stephanie wrote it (Stephanie, if you are out there, let me know if you did this). It is ripping off The Smiths, so there is a connection.
Ode to Morrissey (I want to wipe my buttocks with your) What exactly is she wiping her buttocks with? His toilet paper I hope.
I wanted to see NIN And I didn’t get to see NIN And heaven knows I’m miserable now. I wanted to see Ministry But the show was sold out And heaven knows I’m miserable now All I’ve got Is a big bag of pain
I wonder if she ever did get to see NIN in concert. I've seen them at least 4 or 5 times. There was a time back in the early 90's were NIN was opening for everybody. I saw them open for the Ramones once. Plus I saw them headlining a couple of times too. How could anybody go regularly to concerts in the 90's and somehow manage to miss NIN? I guess I can see that happening if you were going to see like MC Hammer or something like that.I don't think I know anybody who ever went to a Hammer concert tho. Hammer is only funny in retrospect. At the time we would have died of embarrassment if any of us was caught at an MC Hammer concert. Now tthat I think about it, I think by the time this was written, even people who liked Can't Touch This would have died of embarrassment to be caught in an MC Hammer concert.
Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in Alaska and he was dipped in chocolate to keep warm.
One day Chocolate Boy was working on his igloo when a big polar bear tried to eat him but he gave him a coke and the bear became his best friend and would give him rides on his back.
Unfortunately hunters mistake Chocolate Boy for a seal riding a bear so they start shooting at him and they have to run into a cave to hide.
There they find a frozen caveman. The Bear tries to lick it and his tongue gets stuck to it so Chocolate Boy builds a fire to melt the ice and it turns out the caveman was really an eccentric millionaire that had sunk in the Titanic and he’s so grateful that he gives them a lot of money so chocolate boy buys an even bigger igloo and goes into business with the Bear solving crimes.
Watch out for the continuing adventures of Chocolate Boy and the Bear in upcoming issues!
Ah, good 'ol CB and the Bear. I don't remember how this came about, but I do remember Patty and I thinking it was hilarious for some reason. I think the idea was to come up with a really bad comic strip. What we ended up was not so much a comic strip as some random text and one stick figure. At least the "bad" part was accomplished.
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