Phase One is complete

Okay, so I'm done uploading the first issue. That is to say, I'm done with the poetry. Now I need to go back and scan all the pages so I can post the "artwork". I also want to add more comments and whatever anecdotes I can come up with about the issue. Oh, and I'm working on digitally enhancing some of the illustrations, just to bring a bit of color to the blog. But don't worry, I'm making sure to keep it in the spirit of crapulence that the zine was created. I figure, if I am to bring The Hiroshima Club into the new millennium, there is nothing more appropriate than bad Photoshop.

Behold!

Classifieds

Ah, the classified! I think this was one of my favorite sections because it seems so blindly optimistic. We had all these fake classified for all this ridiculous projects like if there was ever a demand for any of this stuff.
Of course, nobody ever contacted us to order any of these things, but maybe we just didn't have a broad enough audience. Which brings me to my new hobby. I'm thinking of posting some of these on Craigslist and to what kind of responses we get and post them here. So stay tuned for that!

Come to Begly

Personalized erotic poetry wanted. Write to me. Tell me how much you want me and what you will do to me…
Contact Begly
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl
Don’t forget the KamaSutra oil of love.

The first insane thing about this is that Begly posted her actual real address. The second crazy thing is that we let her. We weren't even being bitches about it, we were honestly that innocent back then. Now all I can think about is how glad I am so pervert didn't show up at her house and show her in person what he wanted to do with her.

Do you suck or what?

Are you constantly wondering if your band is good enough to make it? Do you not believe your friends when they say they really like your new song? Do you just not trust anyone?
Then just send a demo to Patty.
I’ll really tell you if you suck or not. I won’t mind. I’ll enjoy it. I’m a bitch in the music business.
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

I think this one has the most potential from illiciting responses from people who actually get the joke.

My personal supernatural experiences
For your very own! Free copy!
Please send $2 for shipping and handling to “it’s my story”
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This one is Nancy's. She used to have a ghost at her old place. I keep forgetting to ask her if it's still around.

True story:
One night we were hanging out at her place and all of a sudden the dogs start barking at an empty corner of the room and then the baby (who is 20 now, OMG) crawled to where the dogs were and was staring at that corner too. I wish I could say the walls started bleeding or something, but nothing really happened. It was freaky at the time though.

Do you have body piercing stories to tell?
Then write to Jenna
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This was back before we realized this is every single piercing story ever:
I had something that was not pierced. I pierced it. It got infected. It got better.

It’s a lesbian thang!
Necklaces, pendants, t-shirts, stationery, etc.
Free catalogue!
Just send SASE to
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

There never was any catalog, so I guess it's a good thing nobody ever sent out for one.

Suggestions to Lord Weird
(address deleted)
England
God cannot contain the filth that plagues his realm. Steal it for the pages of the chaos engine and commit your darkness to the parchment, in blood

This one was one of those rare ones from someone who was actually serious about it. Lord Weird was someone else who had their own zine and agreed exchange ads.

Never eat another cow again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Send $1 for tofu recipes to
Tofu Recipes
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

Who would have thought back then Monica would actually grow up to be a chef?

Cum to me

By Monica

I want to please

Big Daddy Butthead

Oh Daddy come to me

Love me, have me

Let me touch you

Make me feel like a woman

I love you Big Daddy Butthead

Just a little farmer boy

Let me choke your chicken

Oh Big Daddy Butthead

I dunno about this title...if it shows up in searches, I think it's going to bring some people to the blog who are going to be extremely disappointed when they see the actual content. Then again, I can't picture any kind of person who would not be disappointed by our content.

This is a great rendition of Butthead I did here. I realize it's not really that much of an accomplishment, but have you looked at some of our other drawings?

Hungry

By Monica

Tofu, tofu, tofu
So smelly and gross
Tofu, tofu, tofu
I want you for lunch

By Monica

I was always confused by this one because I never thought tofu smelled particularly bad. To be honest I don't really know if it smells like anything. I mean, I have never really held raw tofu to my nose and sniffed it, but if it doesn't smell bad enough that I can tell when I open the package, I think we're okay.

I would like to point out how tofu is just a featureless rectangle and yet we still managed to fuck up the illustration.

Ernie

By Patty

Hello? Hello?
Answer the phone
You better answer this time
I’m sick of talking to your
Mother every time I call
Where are you?
Damn it!
This is the last time
I call you
No, I’m not obsessed!
But I love you.

I don't really remember who this Ernie was, but I think he might have been gay. I don't want to give too many spoilers, but I think there is a poem coming up complaining about some guy being gay that might be him.
That seems to be a big problem for young girls before they get old enough to develop proper gaydar. I blame the popularity on Twilight on that. I mean seriously, glittery boys only make good boyfriends to other boys.

Sacrifices

By Patty

Babies, babies
Crying, whining
Babies, babies
Throwing, growing
Babies, babies
Vomiting, plummeting
Me to my death
Babies, babies
I don’t want them.

I guess the lessson we have to learn here is you should never let Patty babysit. I'm not that worried about her hatred of babies as much as her inability to prevent being murdered by one. I myself can take any baby down in a fight single-handedly.

Monsters

By Patty

I slowly open m bedroom door. open
Slowly, quietly so I won’t wake
them up. I creep into my bed and cover
Myself not exposing any vulnerable
Parts for potential biting, sucking…
Who knows?
I close my eyes but can’t sleep, the
Rustling in the closet and the
Groaning under my bed makes my mind go
Wild. What is going on out there?
Are there other children held hostage
Taken from their homes, am I the next
Victim?
Are people getting tortured, maimed
Killed…or are they having sex
Against their will? Being put into
Positions they never thought they
Could endure?
Hmmmm?
Maybe I’ll open the closet door
Tonite. Monsters don’t sound bad
After all.


It seems if there is one running theme throughout all these so called poems, is the weird way all the lines are cut with no regard to sentences. I'm pretty sure we were just going by whatever looked the closest to a square when we were typing it and nothing to do with how it should be read or what was grammatically correct.

The drawings were done by me and it looks like the doodles I would draw in class. I kinda like it. I think I might try to color it like I did with the sheep one and Begly.