Chocolate Boy and the Bear part 2, Electric Boogaloo

When we last saw Chocolate Boy and the Bear they were busy building an add-on to their igloo…

They were so hard at work that they almost missed noticing the UFO hovering over them and the tractor beam that was sucking them into the spaceship.

Once inside the ship, Chocolate Boy gets mistaken for the legendary Venusian God O’ Chocolate and treated like royalty. But then one of the aliens finds him irresistibly attractive and licks him and they find out he’s not really made out of chocolate, just chocolate dipped. So they decide to kill him for his deception.

He’s running away from them when he runs into the ship cafeteria when he runs into the Bear who was getting a Coke out of a vending machine. So they join forces and successfully battle the aliens who are only 3 inches tall anyway and after they kill all the aliens they drive the spaceship back home.

I can't make fun of this, this is actually pretty good. Genius I tell you! Granted, it might need a little tweaking, but I don't see why this isn't a cartoon show already.

Just look at this illustration, I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonite! Can't sleep, aliens are coming to get me!!!

Deep Thoughts 3.0

A bug is anything disgusting that you find in your garden

Aralis

Okay, so maybe not exactly... but the point is, I know a spider is not an insect, but I still don't want one crawling on my arm.

Vogueing is just break dancing with better clothes

Monica

Never really cared for either one though. Break dancing takes a lot more skill and talent, but you can't really do it in a Gaultier suit. Or maybe you can, that might be something to see.

Trying to be sexy, isn’t

Patty

That's why it's so hard to do it properly. It's like flying.

I’d rather have nuts in my ice cream than nuts in my entrée

Aralis

That's a lie, Pad Thai is delicious.

God, I hope we were talking about peanuts here.

I feel like my ovaries are going to talk

Begly

They didn't.

Don’t worry about the way you look cuz you’ll never look as good as me

Nancy

Always the modest one.

Don’t waste your time thinking about deep thoughts.

Avery

I can't help it!

Once again, a totally unrelated illustration.

Unknown Poem

The ?????

It looks like pit hole? Pit bole? Who knows?

By Monica

The life of a light bulb is not easy

I have to be able to get turned on by

The first idiot who touches my buttons

All you whores out there understand

So please, the next time you go turn

On a light, don’t blame the bulb if

It won’t turn on, it might be you!

This is a very fabulous illustration of Monica's feet that I drew. At least I think that's supposed to be Monica' feet. It could be mine, I guess.

Oh So Faux! A Great Place to Meet Chicks

By Devin

This Devin again! Who the hell is she???

Never had one

Never

Touched one

Never really seen one

Never needed one

Never craved one

Never wanted one on my face

Never swallowed

Never choked on one

Never done the chicken head

Never rode one

Never tried to

Never had one attack me from behind

Never had one on my mind

Thank you

I don't know what is the correlation between penises and the faux finish painting place Monica worked at for a short time, but at least now we know where Devin came from.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Nancy

Reader Profile

Reader of the month

You've seen her work, now you get to know Nancy's deepest darkest thoughts!

This month I was asked to be reader of the month. According to the answers given in previous reader profiles, I have some suggestions that could lead to a more interesting view of the person involved.

(Oh yeah? Well I am all powerful and what I say goes. I would like to add she made up all these extra questions – editor)

She made tons of extra questions. She holds the record for our longest reader profile ever. I do have to admit, she's got some really funny answers.

Name

Nancy

dob

5/12/67

Eyes

Green

Hair

Sexy, blonde and long

Nickname

Scorpia or anything you want

Fave insect

Scorpion

Fave flower

Venus fly trap

What’s in your pocket/purse? What would you like to have in there?

Oooohh baby…

Do you prefer baths or showers? And who with?

The who is more important than the bath or shower.

Underwear preference

Yes

Dream TV show appearance

To be skinny enough to appear on the playboy channel

Lucky clothes

I have more luck naked

Fave color

Black

Last book read

Taltos by Anne Rice

Dream holiday

Anything that don’t involve a hospital

Who would you like to tuck you in at night?

I would rather have someone untuck me

Is there any reason why people are afraid of you?

Only when I talk

Think of a movie

Pulp Fiction

What word best describes your sense of humor?

Perverse

If someone wrote a story about you and had some revealing things to say that might damage your self-image, what would you do?

Tell all, no matter what.

The police question you about a friend involved in politically radical activities, do you cooperate?

I’m probably involved

If you are a high school principal, will you hire a competent teacher that might be gay?

Yes, sexuality has no effect on education

You find out your spouse once made a porno, what do you do?

Rent it

Your boss’ fly is open, what do you do?

Laugh

If you are attractive, do you use your looks to get ahead in your career?

Yes

Walking along the beach, you see a couple having sex. Do you watch?

Depends on what they look like

And now for the best part, Nancy stationary! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, that was typed on a page of Nancy Stationary. She actually had notebooks made when she was Imperial Miss Florida. I have one. Of course I had t o publish it.

Now I wish I know what was that she wrote down there and I covered with my message of superiority. It's something about thanking me for giving her this opportunity or some other pageant formality like that.

Welcome Santa

By Nancy

We welcome a man into our home

In the middle of the night

When we are asleep

Without our knowledge

We welcome a man

Who has a red nose and a beer belly

And a very large bag

Who breaks in by climbing

Down a chimney or

Has a master key to the door

You can’t fool my kid she

Won’t be welcoming any strange

Drunks who want to break into

Our little home in the middle of the night

On the most celebrated of all holidays.

I was going to save this post for xmas day since it's a santa related on but then I thought, god knows if I'll even remember to post that day so lets just kep going with the chronological order and get on with it.

I'm not really sure where Nancy was going with this...I think maybe she was scared drunks were gonna break into her house and be mistaken for Santa Claus? Wasn't that the storyline in Bad Santa? This was very phrophetic of Nancy I think.

That said, this one was a particularly lazy attempt at doing an illustration, wasn't it? Let's have a look:

Yes, those are gift tags. Ugly ones too. Something else I just noticed, Nancy and I have very similar handwriting. Hers is a bit rounder and mine is a bit more OCD sized, but pretty similar. I wonder if this is just what happened when you went to high school in the 80's.

Crumpled up paper narrowly missing a waste paper basket

This was my very bad attempt to do something in the style of Edward Gorey. This is what his stuff looks like in case you don't know.

I failed miserably.

Ode to my Television

By Patty

Oh how I long to turn you on

Pressing the right buttons to satisfy our needs

Listening to your sweet sounds, but no!

You just lay there

Collecting dust

Oh how I ache to see you again

Penetrating you with a surge of energy

Awakening you from your deep sleep.

Ah, the ever popular sexual innuendo with everyday object. A classic.

You can see we got real lazy with this one, there is no artwork and I didn't even bother to type it. Let's pretend it was on purpose and call it minimalistic, shall we?

Note to Wendy

By Begly

Every time I think of you, I go biggie

Every time I unwrap my hamburger, I go biggie

Every time I see your picture in my cup, I go biggie

Every time I slide a fry out of the box, I go biggie

Every time I see your father on TV, I go biggie

You ever have one of those days where you feel drunk even though you have not had any alcohol? this was one of those days. It was Begly, JC and me at Wendy's and for some reason we thought that poem was the funniest thing ever. I remember part of what made it so funny was that we intended to put the card in the suggestion box. But I had the card to xerox for the zine so I guess we never did. Maybe we wrote two of them? I remember being very exited about the staff reading this later,so I can't believe we walked away without doing it. I am sure however that we were too damn lazy to bring it back after I copied it, so I know that's not an option.

Another thing I remember about that day: JC's hamburger had too many pickles. Like 6 or 8. Something like that. None of us liked pickles so we wrapped them all in a napkin and took them to the mall and gave it to a friend of ours that was working that day. He was confused and refused to eat them.

Anyway, the point is somewhere there is a group of people who worked at a Wendy's in Miami who one day (possibly) found a strange note in their suggestion box (if we did make a copy) and they were mildly amused by it (because anything that breaks the monotony of working a minimum wage job is amusing at the time) and it would be super cool if one of them was reading this right now.

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

Where can I find a date that will do me right?

Answ: go to Spec’s

That was a vicious lie! I used to visit Patty at work all the time and I never did find a proper date. Specs was a record store, in case you didn't know.

Dear Patty:

I need to get somebody to fall madly in love with me before Xmas so that he can buy me the $70 Barbie I want. What should I do?

Answ: love potion. Put a spell on a person or meet lots of drunk guys who will give you $10 and $15 each and accumulate the money for the doll.

This one was mine. I Never did find the love potion but I did get the Barbie doll. I had to settle for the lower priced version without the outfits but at least I got the doll. Still have it too.

Dear Patty:

If I get a breast reduction, will the doctor pierce them?

Answ: I don’t see why not.

I don't remember who asked this one. I wonder if he ever did get his nipples pierced?

Dear Patty:

I tried to sleep but the phone kept on ringing. What should I do?

Frustrated in Flagler.

Answ: take the phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall.

Awww... remember when phones used to be connected to the wall?

Dear Patty:

I have a purple bump on the back of my ear where it’s pierced and it’s bothering me.

Crusty in Miami Lakes

Answ: well, if there is anything bothering you or anything on your body, especially if it wasn’t there in the first place, it’s a sign that something isn’t right and should be taken care of. In short, maybe it’s infected.

We were always very careful to make it clear that Patty was not a real licensed physician and not a substitute for medical help.

I don't remember who posted this question, but I do remember Nancy piercing people's ear in her house with a potato and a sewing needed so she was probably responsible for this in some capacity.

Dear Patty:

I hate my cousin.

Begly

Answ: well Begly, in order to answer your question I need to know what it is. Write me again and elaborate on it.

That is a sketch I did of Monica looking out a window or something. I really have no idea, I just know it's Monica. It looks exactly like her. I'm good.

Alternation Wide was somebody who sent me that ad to post. As usual, I had absolutely no info on what they did, I just posted their ad.

Beat me

By Aralis

You can hit me

I don’t care

Beat me senseless

If you dare

Tie me up

And gag me too

Strike me until

I’m black and blue

Senseless torture

I don’t mind

As a matter of fact

I encourage it.

A couple of pages over, I would post another poem about how don't you dare to hit me but I will be more than happy to beat you up. A girl is entitled to change her mind, isn't she? Ah, the pleasures of schizophrenic S & M!

Let Me

By Nancy

Let me strip you from the waist down

Let me tie you up in the closet

Let me pour hot fudge

On your happily hard genitalia

When it cools

Let me lick it up

Let me bathe you

In lemony fresh Pledge

And let the dust have its way with you

First of all I need to add this disclaimer: don't try this at home.

I cannot be responsible for any 3rd degree chocolate burns on your man's goodies because someone got too carried away by Nancy's poetry. Then again, if you are not smart enough to realize hot sticky substance + extra sensitive body part = bad, maybe it's a good thing if you don't procreate.

Anything for a Q-tip

By Nancy

I need a Q-tip

Oh how I need a Q-tip

I haven’t had a Q-tip in five days

I just love the way it feels

Having that Q-tip between your

Fingers

Knowing it will soon find its way

Into your ear canal.

Who cares what the doctor says?

He don’t know the ecstasy

I’ll do anything for a Q-tip

Oh that precious Q-tip

When you stick it in and move

It in and out

The soothing comfort

The relaxed satisfied feeling

Only from a Q-tip.

Nancy was a pioneer in the obscure niche of Q-tip porn.

Would you get Dirty with me?

The smudges on the page were done on purpose. It was supposed to be dirt. Nobody got it back then either, even though I wrote "Dirt, get it?" with an arrow pointing to it. It's okay, it was funny to me.

Would you get Dirty with me?

Ew no, you're like my brother!

By Fruitman in Wonderland

Once again, the lines are more to do with making the poem look symmetrical than an actual need for the line to end at that particular point.

Would you…let me tie you up

Against the banister with

Handcuffs?

Would you… let me pour

Juices all over your naked

Body so I can drink them?

That just seems messy. I just keep picturing it would have to be a very oddly shaped concave body to be able to hold liquids. It would be like one of those things where they serve sushi on naked people only this one guy would have this hollow spot like on his stomach or his chest where they would serve juice and it would look kinda gross so maybe it would be a good thing to have at say, a weight watchers social, where people are actually trying to be put off sugary beverages. Have some water instead! It's just crazy enough to work...Fruitman, you're a genius!

Would you… wear leather

Underwear so I can taste

You?

What is the correlation between leather and taste. Is it like MSG where it brings up the flavor?

Would you…open yourself to

Me?

Would you…get dirty with

Me?

Avery and a Beer

Avery tried to resist, but I finally got him to contribute. Sadly it was only a one time thing so the world was denied further self portraits of alcohol consumption in inadequate glassware.

Picking thru the trash with Boo

Oh dear, here come Boo. Boo was particularly bad in that very complicated way where you are trying to be bad on purpose to be funny but end up being really bad in reality and not funny at all. I was never really sure what she was doing...

Hey girls, I’m Boo! Join me every month with the juiciest, trashiest hot gossip you’ve ever had.

Madonna, Madonna

Bitch she is

On a wild night

She came home from

The club

Oh shit!

Someone was parked

In exclusive parking space

She went storming into

The housing

To find her brother

Getting his lollypop sucked

By a hustler

She interrupted and said

Somebody better move their

Fucking car

What a hoe!

Oh well, and right at

His peak to come

Oops!

I know Boo just pulled this out of her ass, but I need to defend Madonna here for her imaginary transgression. I get really annoyed when someone parks on my space, and a blowjob is really not an excuse that is going to make me think otherwise.

Tacky video of the month

Push the little daisy and make them come up by Ween

Was it? Judge for yourself:

Tacky single of the month

Lisa Loeb with Stay

Oh come on, you know that song, don't make me have to go look it up.

Movie Review

Interview with a homo it is what a movie. Great sensuous and very homoerotic said Tom Cruise we have experienced before. Brad Pitt…what a Pitt! Major homophobia but he played a great fag.

I have no idea what she is talking about here...is she mad at Brad Pitt? Does she like him? Does she like Tom Cruise? I can't even tell if she liked the movie.

Wansetta’s Party Tips

Hello, I’m Wansetta the party tip girl. Where there’s a party, there’s Wansetta. Academy award wining, outrageous, flexible and tolerant to modern living society.

At long last, the highly anticipated first appearance of Wansetta Boom Boom for your reading pleasure. Her party tips was her monthly column, but I believe she might have written some poems too.

Every month I’ll give party tips for those savage, exotic, glamorous and hideous guests of yours.

Remember, this was the Party Monster era.

Dear Wansetta,

I’m kind of, u, broke but I want to have a cool party. What should I do?

Cheap Teen

Do I really need to tell you all the correspondence was made up?

Cheap Teen,

We all are broke at times and run into a little problem. Listen Teen Bean, run to the kitchen, rip open a (box?) of Froot Loops and throw them in a bowl, surprise! Fruit salad. Go into the fridge and pop open some Sunkist soda and left over cherry Jell-o mix all together; add a touch of whisky…spiked fruit punch!

Your party will be a hit! Just don’t play any Bing Crosby or Barbara Streisand records!

Toddle loo!

Hmmm, I really thought there was more than one letter per month. I guess she was just warming up. BTW, you can totally get away with serving dry cereal at a party. My sister and I have done it a couple of times as a joke and nobody even blinked an eye, they just ate it. We have a really great recipe too:

one part frosted flakes

one part cheetos

mix and enjoy.

You're welcome.

Thrift Shopping

Trivia: those "thrift store clothing drawings" were really part of a build your own snowman sticker set. Because stickers are fun. I really enjoy stickers, but can seldom find an appropriate place to put them. It's so much easier when you're a little kid and you just put them on whatever is in front of you.

Thrift Shopping :A hobby that should be respected

By Fruitman

I believe this was the Fruitman's first submission for the zine but he ended up being quite prolific both under his pen name and his secret identity. See if you can guess who it is.

Thrift stores are cool yet musty

Sometimes you’ll find a dress,

And end up with a lamp that’s a bit too dusty.

The prices are good if you look real hard enough

$1.00 or $3.00 some items are just a bargain,

hold on to those goodies so you can do some travelin’.

Even though they smell at times,

I wouldn’t recommend the Vic’s mask,

Which Aralis mentioned in her last rhyme.

If you are clever enough you could change the prices.

For those who are better, you can even misplace some items.

So now you know what to do,

The next time you go thrifting,

Misplace those old shoes.

Ah, the Fruitman and I used to go thrift shopping on almost a weekly basis. Those were the days. That was before it became trendy and the stores wised up to how much the stuff was really worth. Back then most of the clothing I owned was older than me.

Letters to the editor/ voicemail to the editor

I’ve got an idea, it’s a car alarm: when someone breaks in, it automatically locks up all the doors and a deadly gas comes out. When you get back to your car all you have to do is push the corpse out of your way and drive off. OK, bye!

Nancy, Miami, Fl

I’ll be sending more!!

This is possibly the worst idea ever.

Where is my t-shirt? I love the Hiroshima Club!

Devyn, Atlanta, Ga.

I still have no idea who this Devin was, but apparently he/she contacted us a lot. We never did get any t-shirts made. We should have.

Aralis, it’s me, Patty. Don’t pick me up at my house; pick me up at school by where the busses are. I hope you get this message or I’m stranded here.

Patty, Miami, Fl

Don't worry gang, I did get the message on time. Patty's safe.

I have a deep thought.

Begly, Miami, Fl.

Maybe next month she'll tell us what it is.

Xmas Lists

Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine issue #3

Xmas issue apparently

Welcome to the holiday issue of the Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine. But let us not forget what the true meaning of the season is so here are our xmas lists:

Aralis (editor, poet, queen of the universe)

I've always been partial to that queen of the universe title. I find myself randomly using it all the time.

Animaniacs watch

Got it. It was really nice too, I wonder where it went. Animaniacs was one of the best cartoons ever, I wish they would play reruns somewhere. There was this one episode called "The boids" where the Goodfeathers got jobs as extras on The Birds. Brilliant!

1959 Barbie replica with handmade outfit

I didn't get the big deluxe model with all the outfits but I did get the one that came with the black and white stripped bathing suit.

I want to be a carpenter (cassette)

Got it, and now I have it on CD which I uploaded into my iPod so I have all my bases covered. If you are keeping track, you might have noticed this was 1994 and I was still getting stuff on cassette instead of CD. I've always held on to archaic media. I had a cassette player in my car and didn't see a need to replace it. I actually didn't get a cd player until I got a car that came with one. I'm nostalgic like that.

Trent Reznor

Never did get that one. I don't think I want him anymore either. He has gotten a bit too beefy for my taste. I realize that's a bit like a homeless person complaining about the color of the walls in a free house but then again it's not like Trent is knocking on my door so it's not like that at all.

Kaleidoscope

It was a little one, on a chain. I have no idea why I wanted it so badly. It's in my storage unit somewhere.

Pinky and the Brain t-shirt

It had long sleeves and was so big I wore it as a dress. It was before the oversaturation of baby tees hit the market. I don' know what took the world so long to figure out some of us are under 6ft and weigh less than 150lbs.

Little tiny Barbie

I got a few. That is, I know I've owned little tiny Barbies at some point even though right now I have no idea whatever happened to them. Whether they were these particular little tiny Barbie I was referring to here I don't know.

Taltos by Anne Rice

It was pretty bad. How bad? One of the characters gets resurrected by breast milk, no lie. That bad. I'm not sure and I don't want to have to reread all her stuff to make sure, but this might have been the begging of the end for Anne and me.

Patent leather outfit

When I said patent leather I really meant PVC vinyl.

Same explanation as with the little tiny Barbie except I do know what happened to them. Vinyl doesn't age well. It has a tendency to fall apart and flake off and it doesn't take kindly to stretching if you gain any weight. So basically you need to replace all your fetish wear regularly.

Vinyl clothes

Same as above, but not as shiny.

Feathered boa

Boas are one of those things I always have and yet hardly ever wear.

Photocopier

Never did get it, but the internet took care of everything I needed it for so it's okay.

Patty (poet, father owns photocopy machine)

Well that explains how we printed all those copies of the zine that we gave away.

Converse (white)

Vampire books

Stuff to hold my junk

Bedspread

Purse (not brown)

Rings

Earrings

Concrete Blonde CD

Camera

CD holder

Calendar, a cool one

Chair for my desk

I have no idea if Patty got the stuff she wanted. It's up to her now to come and answer this in the comments. What I do know is that she was a lot less specific about the stuff she wanted than I was.

Issue #3 The Hoiday Issue

I was debating whether to wait on this one since it's the holiday issue and save it for December. But then I thought, if Walmart can have xmas decorations since late September we can start out xmas now. Actually, by American standards, we are running behind.

Random ad

This was an ad someone sent me to post. It was too big for the classifieds, and it I shrank it down you couldn't see all the detail in the "artwork" so I just put it on a page somewhere in the middle of the magazine.
It was very optimistic of this person to think someone might pay $5 for one of those atrocities. I wonder if they ended up on Etsy?

Back issues

Back issues

I considered including this with the classifieds post yesterday, but then I thought it deserved it's own space, since it was a new feature. Since we technically only had one back issue at this point, we decided to add some fake publications to occupy more space.

Issue #1

Includes Ode to my Fish, Come to Begly, Monsters, Happy Birthday, etc… $1

The only legitimate back issue. Still available, order now!

All About Begly

Can’t get enough of Begly? Well, here’s your chance. Everything you ever wanted to know about Begly but were afraid to ask in this special Begly issue. Where was she born? What’s her favorite color? Toothpaste? Side of the bed? These and other exiting Begly facts for only $1

I had a lot of Begly facts, that I was constantly trying to make something out of. I don't remember which came first, the book or the game. Oh wait, I don't see the game ad so I guess that's next issue. I guess the book came first then.

It’s a Lesbian Thang

Monica’s collection of the best of the worst lesbian poetry. $1

We did have a lot of lesbian contributors. And they did have really bad poetry.

Nailarama

Why is the H invisible? You will never know unless you order this special issue chuck full of Naila information and fun facts.

I don't remember anything about Nahila exept that she existed and that she pronounced her name Nahila. Oh, and that it annoyed Monica.

SPECIAL get two issues at the special low price of $1.75

You save .25 cents!!!!!!!

Issue #2 Classifieds

We couldn't give our classifieds away, so I would sometimes fill up space by putting random business cards I found, I don't even know who those people were. Back then if you handed anything to me, I considered it a submission. I won't bore you with repeats from the first issue. Needless to say, we recycled our fake classified ads a lot. I'll just post the new additions.

SuperPatty Information Hotline

What’s SuperPatty up to?

Future appearances…her latest rendezvous…get the latest information.

Write to:

Superpatty Info hotline

This goes with my theory that if you don't have hype, you just need to create it. So what if SuperPatty's next appearance was at the record store (that she worked at), so what if she really wasn't up to anything in particular? It was exclusive information and that's why you had to have it. (Not that anybody ever did).

The sexy Dave Greeting Card Company

For free catalogue send SASE to sexydave c/o Begly

This is confusing to me. I had a couple of Daves at the time, and this could have come from either one of them, but then it says c/o Begly at the end which makes me suspect it might have just been Begly writing sexy stories about Dave. Only problem is, I don't think Begly knew either of them. Who was this extra Dave, and just how sexy was he?

Patty’s pet peeve:

Breathing thu only one nostril

Still true to this day.

Begly and the Essay

By Aralis and Patty

Curse the treacherous fiend

Who has imposed

The nightmarish hell

Upon the innocent Begly

700 words?

What does he think she is?

A dictionary?

An encyclopedia?

Interested?

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has toiled in this endeavor

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has come up with nothing

Help from her friends was not enough

Only a couple hundred words

Before their interest fades

Leaving Begly all alone with her torture

Woe is Begly

And her evil homework

Will her misfortunes ever end?

I guess the essay was for art class, which is kinda sad cuz if there is one subject that was made for bullshit, it is art class. This makes it a lot easier than those "fact" based classes such as History and Math where the teacher is looking for one specific answer.

Begly Don’t Want Poems

By Aralis and Patty

Begly don’t want poems

That have her name

Begly don’t want poems

She doesn’t want the fame

Begly don’t want poems

About the way she dance

Begly don’t want poems

About her romance

Begly don’t want poems

About long distance flings

Begly don’t want poems

About Ernie’s things

Begly don’t want poems

Of how boys she likes are gay

Begly don’t want poems

Tomorrow or today

I think this one was an actual good one. It kinda rhymes and it had some sort of rhythm going. Anyway, Begly should have known better than to tell us to stop writing poems about her.

I have no idea why I drew a plasma ball as the accompanying illustration. They're just cool, I guess.

Itsy bitsy spider all fucked up

by: Nora

It was a gloomy Tuesday afternoon (it must have been Tuesday cuz that’s when the Shell stations sell their super unleaded for five cents less).

I filled up Lucky (my car) with at least eight gallons cuz that’s the minimum purchase for a free car wash. The attendant gave me a ticket with the code to use for the car wash: 666

As I drove up to the panel I began to dial 6…6…6… I noticed there was an itsy bitsy tarantula resting on top of the panel.

I immediately loved her and called her Fluffy.

I took a piece of cardboard I found in my car and tried to scoop her up into it with the hopes of giving her a home.

Alas! She fell to the water. I searched and searched but couldn’t find her and as I sadly drove up to the car wash I heard her fragile body crushed under Lucky’s back tire.

Fucked up!

This one has the distinction of being the only thing ever written by Nora for the zine, so it's pretty special. Not good, but special. This was actually a true story. Except for the part where it was a tarantula, the rest is all true. I remember Nora coming to work very upset that she had killed a spider.

Valentines and other Random Stuff

To my valentine: I hope Valentine’s Day finds you naked, tied spread-eagle to a stove and covered in butter.

Nancy

I told you that cat and butter stuff was going to come back, didn't I?

I hope you get laid on Valentine’s Day

Begly

Can't argue with this one.

We are all dead

We like to be alive

We are all dead

We like the afterlife

Ali

This part of a zombie musical Ali and I wrote long before zombies became popular. This was already old when the Hiroshima Club came around so that's how ahead of our time we were. That's also how desperate for material we were that we were digging up stuff from years earlier to fill up the pages. Not sure why it went it the valentines section.

Contest

Send us a picture of your favorite ho! Details next month…

I don't remember this contest at all so I have no idea what we were planning to do with all those pictures of whores. I wonder what the first price in the contest was going to be.

Stems of love

By Nancy

The flowers you bought for me died

I never saw them alive

I was too sick to see them

When they were alive

So you saved them for me to see

A week later I came to visit

And you gave me these stems

You call them stems of love

What are you, a psycho?

What kind of sick bastard

Gives their lover dead moldy roses?

Why couldn’t you just throw them away

And buy me more?

Or are you also cheap?

You cheap psycho bastard!

You could have thrown them away

And I would have never

Known they existed!

But nooooooo!

You had to let me know

The truth about you

And your fucking dead roses.

I've always been particularly proud of my artwork on this poem. Probably looked better than those roses that so angered Nancy.

Deep Thoughts 2.0

Deep Thoughts

If you want to have a chicken to choke, you better treat a woman with respect.

Monica

Cheetos…they are cheesy and corny.

Naila

Big things come in little packages

Michelle

We had a modest turnout of deep thoughts in this issue, probably because most of the writer's efforts went into the pick-up lines instead.

Pick Up Lines

Pick-up lines

You look hungry, why don’t you eat me?
Patty
I think this one comes off more like an insult than a pick-up line, but I would still like to see it in a t-shirt.

I’m an amateur magician. Would you like to see me make myself disappear between your thighs?
Dave
I think Dave might have lied and not really made this one up himself.

Excuse me, I see you are not doing anything with your tongue, would you mind licking me?
Monica
This was part 1 and then you were supposed to respond with:

I don’t lick strangers but if you want to lick me, just lap away.
Stephanie
part 2
I don't know that I want strangers liking me but I guess it's slightly better than me having to lick them? Maybe?

You look like you need a vacation, why don’t you come visit Kima country?
Ya(kima)
This one actually sounds like it might work.

I want to climb your leg like a native boy looking for coconuts
Unknown
I don't remember who came up with this one but I've met someone else since that told me someone used it on her. It would make my life completely if it turned out that person got it from a zine they found at he record store.

Take off all your clothes, cover yourself in butter and tie yourself up to the stove. I’ll be there with a cat in fifteen minutes
Begly
You are going to find at least three more references to this in this issue alone. The whole cat/butter/stove thing refers to a scene in Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty smutfest. I think it was from the second book in the series Beauty's Punishment I think. From what I remember, Sleeping Beauty displeases her mistress so they tie her up to a stove covered in butter for whatever reason and then a cat happens to walk by and starts liking off the butter with sexy results...if you're into having butter licked off you by cats I guess. I haven't read that book in over a decade so I could be wrong. I really need to re-read it and give you guys a review.
The point it, it was such a ridiculous premise that we constantly made fun of it.

Sexy Questionnaire Results

These were the results to the previous issue's notorious questionnaire. The math made no sense whatsoever so I made up some graphs to make it look more official. I mean I made them now, what I made back them sucked as you can see.

bestiality got 0% votes all around

bondage was much more popular with 94% female, 55% males and 79% total.

necrophilia had a poor showing, probably because we meant real dead people. Vampire/undead section was further down. Still 9% of males said yes with 0 votes from the ladies.

incest 27% males, 22% females said yes

nobody wanted to have sex with their mother

orgies got a surprisingly good turnout with 73% of the males and 50% of females even tho I bet to this day very few of the people who said yes have actually been in an orgy.

cross dressing was no surprise with 27% males and 88% of the female. The thing is, a lot of people considered a girl wearing jeans and a t-shirt to be cross dressing so the female numbers should really have been a lot higher.

Kama Sutra oil of love was by far the most popular thing with 94% male and 91% female. I still have no idea why this was so popular in the 90's. I think maybe it was because they had a kiosk in the mall really close to the store where a lot of us worked. Subliminal advertising, I guess.

Strap-on was very confusing to most of the boys who did not understand how or why were they strapping this device on. After having the concept explained to them, still 22% said yes along with 27% of the girls.

velcro sheets got 50% and 64% male which is pretty good considering nobody knew what they were. I guess that is the percent of people who don't like to admit they don't know what something means.

Nobody wanted a hamster up the butt.

The undead were as popular back then as they are today with 77% of the females and 55% of the males.

Candle wax had the exact same stats which may or may not be a mistake.

Crotchless panties got 50% females 73% of the males.

Saran Wrap 55% male and 45% females mostly due to the popularity of Fried Green Tomatoes.

Prostitution 22% males and 45% females. It should be noted that the women polled thought they were being asked to play dress up while the guys thought they were renting real whores.

Harness got 50% male and 64% females

blow up dolls only got 11% males and 9% females and I even think that's way too much for the females.

exhibitionism got 50% females and 55% males which I know is a vicious lie and in reality way higher.

Voyeurism got the exact same results and my exact same opinion.

Public places were popular for sex with 66% females and 73% of males.

Underage, I feel the need to specify again, mean someone younger than you, not a child. Being that most people polled were around 20, 17 was technically illegal even if still socially acceptable. Anyway, 61% females said yes and 64% of the males.