Back in the 90's, I had a hobby of following my friends around at clubs and making them write bad poetry for me. The word poetry was used very loosely. Well, completely incorrectly would be a better term since it was also used for articles, completely fabricated self-help columns and random complete and utter nonsense.
These are the results of those (often drunken) ramblings.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Dear Patty

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

This club bites!!!

Bored in Bulgaria

Well Bored,

Bite it right back!!

Always good advice.

Dear Patty:

I’m an insomniac.

Sleepless in Seattle


To relieve you of your indisposition, you should watch old reruns of What’s Happening? That should do the trick.

Aww... What's Happening not getting any love! Then again, there must be a reason why it plays at 4am on Nick at Night ( note I have no idea if either What's Happening or Nick at Night are still on the air).

Dear Patty:

I need to get laid still.

Then you need to stop moving.

Muncher in Miami

Well, Muncher

The answer to this question lies in how desperate you are. Here are a few suggestions from Avery, my apprentice:

1- Go to a rave. There are plenty of people who are willing to take you op on your offer.

2- If not a rave, then go to Warsaw. (Warsaw was a gay club on south beach, not really a good place to go look for a woman but at least you got out of the house for a bit.)

Dear Patty:

I’m hungry, what should I eat?

Starving in Cincinnati

Dear Starving:

I suggest you go to Fuddruckers and get yourself a large basket of fries. Yumm!!

We used to go there almost every week before going to the Kitchen Club. The boys never had any money so they would just eat the free stuff from the condiments bar. One time I saw JC eat a full plate of tomatos and nacho cheese. ugh. I think there might have been some onions involved too.

Dear Patty:

What are crabs?

Confused in Colorado

Well, Confused:

According to Webster’s dictionary, they are numerous marine broadly decapod crustaceans.

They are.

Dear Patty:

I don’t really like this boy and he’s already confessed his love for me. What should I do?

Nutjob in G


I know it sucks when that happens but the best thing for you to do is to tell the poor boy your true feelings. If he’s cool, he’ll understand. And may the force be with you.

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