Back in the 90's, I had a hobby of following my friends around at clubs and making them write bad poetry for me. The word poetry was used very loosely. Well, completely incorrectly would be a better term since it was also used for articles, completely fabricated self-help columns and random complete and utter nonsense.
These are the results of those (often drunken) ramblings.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Chocolate Boy and the Bear part 2, Electric Boogaloo

When we last saw Chocolate Boy and the Bear they were busy building an add-on to their igloo…

They were so hard at work that they almost missed noticing the UFO hovering over them and the tractor beam that was sucking them into the spaceship.

Once inside the ship, Chocolate Boy gets mistaken for the legendary Venusian God O’ Chocolate and treated like royalty. But then one of the aliens finds him irresistibly attractive and licks him and they find out he’s not really made out of chocolate, just chocolate dipped. So they decide to kill him for his deception.

He’s running away from them when he runs into the ship cafeteria when he runs into the Bear who was getting a Coke out of a vending machine. So they join forces and successfully battle the aliens who are only 3 inches tall anyway and after they kill all the aliens they drive the spaceship back home.

I can't make fun of this, this is actually pretty good. Genius I tell you! Granted, it might need a little tweaking, but I don't see why this isn't a cartoon show already.

Just look at this illustration, I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonite! Can't sleep, aliens are coming to get me!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Deep Thoughts 3.0

A bug is anything disgusting that you find in your garden


Okay, so maybe not exactly... but the point is, I know a spider is not an insect, but I still don't want one crawling on my arm.

Vogueing is just break dancing with better clothes


Never really cared for either one though. Break dancing takes a lot more skill and talent, but you can't really do it in a Gaultier suit. Or maybe you can, that might be something to see.

Trying to be sexy, isn’t


That's why it's so hard to do it properly. It's like flying.

I’d rather have nuts in my ice cream than nuts in my entrée


That's a lie, Pad Thai is delicious.

God, I hope we were talking about peanuts here.

I feel like my ovaries are going to talk


They didn't.

Don’t worry about the way you look cuz you’ll never look as good as me


Always the modest one.

Don’t waste your time thinking about deep thoughts.


I can't help it!

Once again, a totally unrelated illustration.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Unknown Poem

The ?????

It looks like pit hole? Pit bole? Who knows?

By Monica

The life of a light bulb is not easy

I have to be able to get turned on by

The first idiot who touches my buttons

All you whores out there understand

So please, the next time you go turn

On a light, don’t blame the bulb if

It won’t turn on, it might be you!

This is a very fabulous illustration of Monica's feet that I drew. At least I think that's supposed to be Monica' feet. It could be mine, I guess.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Oh So Faux! A Great Place to Meet Chicks

By Devin

This Devin again! Who the hell is she???

Never had one


Touched one

Never really seen one

Never needed one

Never craved one

Never wanted one on my face

Never swallowed

Never choked on one

Never done the chicken head

Never rode one

Never tried to

Never had one attack me from behind

Never had one on my mind

Thank you

I don't know what is the correlation between penises and the faux finish painting place Monica worked at for a short time, but at least now we know where Devin came from.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Nancy

Reader Profile

Reader of the month

You've seen her work, now you get to know Nancy's deepest darkest thoughts!

This month I was asked to be reader of the month. According to the answers given in previous reader profiles, I have some suggestions that could lead to a more interesting view of the person involved.

(Oh yeah? Well I am all powerful and what I say goes. I would like to add she made up all these extra questions – editor)

She made tons of extra questions. She holds the record for our longest reader profile ever. I do have to admit, she's got some really funny answers.








Sexy, blonde and long


Scorpia or anything you want

Fave insect


Fave flower

Venus fly trap

What’s in your pocket/purse? What would you like to have in there?

Oooohh baby…

Do you prefer baths or showers? And who with?

The who is more important than the bath or shower.

Underwear preference


Dream TV show appearance

To be skinny enough to appear on the playboy channel

Lucky clothes

I have more luck naked

Fave color


Last book read

Taltos by Anne Rice

Dream holiday

Anything that don’t involve a hospital

Who would you like to tuck you in at night?

I would rather have someone untuck me

Is there any reason why people are afraid of you?

Only when I talk

Think of a movie

Pulp Fiction

What word best describes your sense of humor?


If someone wrote a story about you and had some revealing things to say that might damage your self-image, what would you do?

Tell all, no matter what.

The police question you about a friend involved in politically radical activities, do you cooperate?

I’m probably involved

If you are a high school principal, will you hire a competent teacher that might be gay?

Yes, sexuality has no effect on education

You find out your spouse once made a porno, what do you do?

Rent it

Your boss’ fly is open, what do you do?


If you are attractive, do you use your looks to get ahead in your career?


Walking along the beach, you see a couple having sex. Do you watch?

Depends on what they look like

And now for the best part, Nancy stationary! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, that was typed on a page of Nancy Stationary. She actually had notebooks made when she was Imperial Miss Florida. I have one. Of course I had t o publish it.

Now I wish I know what was that she wrote down there and I covered with my message of superiority. It's something about thanking me for giving her this opportunity or some other pageant formality like that.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Welcome Santa

By Nancy

We welcome a man into our home

In the middle of the night

When we are asleep

Without our knowledge

We welcome a man

Who has a red nose and a beer belly

And a very large bag

Who breaks in by climbing

Down a chimney or

Has a master key to the door

You can’t fool my kid she

Won’t be welcoming any strange

Drunks who want to break into

Our little home in the middle of the night

On the most celebrated of all holidays.

I was going to save this post for xmas day since it's a santa related on but then I thought, god knows if I'll even remember to post that day so lets just kep going with the chronological order and get on with it.

I'm not really sure where Nancy was going with this...I think maybe she was scared drunks were gonna break into her house and be mistaken for Santa Claus? Wasn't that the storyline in Bad Santa? This was very phrophetic of Nancy I think.

That said, this one was a particularly lazy attempt at doing an illustration, wasn't it? Let's have a look:

Yes, those are gift tags. Ugly ones too. Something else I just noticed, Nancy and I have very similar handwriting. Hers is a bit rounder and mine is a bit more OCD sized, but pretty similar. I wonder if this is just what happened when you went to high school in the 80's.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Crumpled up paper narrowly missing a waste paper basket

This was my very bad attempt to do something in the style of Edward Gorey. This is what his stuff looks like in case you don't know.

I failed miserably.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ode to my Television

By Patty

Oh how I long to turn you on

Pressing the right buttons to satisfy our needs

Listening to your sweet sounds, but no!

You just lay there

Collecting dust

Oh how I ache to see you again

Penetrating you with a surge of energy

Awakening you from your deep sleep.

Ah, the ever popular sexual innuendo with everyday object. A classic.

You can see we got real lazy with this one, there is no artwork and I didn't even bother to type it. Let's pretend it was on purpose and call it minimalistic, shall we?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Note to Wendy

By Begly

Every time I think of you, I go biggie

Every time I unwrap my hamburger, I go biggie

Every time I see your picture in my cup, I go biggie

Every time I slide a fry out of the box, I go biggie

Every time I see your father on TV, I go biggie

You ever have one of those days where you feel drunk even though you have not had any alcohol? this was one of those days. It was Begly, JC and me at Wendy's and for some reason we thought that poem was the funniest thing ever. I remember part of what made it so funny was that we intended to put the card in the suggestion box. But I had the card to xerox for the zine so I guess we never did. Maybe we wrote two of them? I remember being very exited about the staff reading this later,so I can't believe we walked away without doing it. I am sure however that we were too damn lazy to bring it back after I copied it, so I know that's not an option.

Another thing I remember about that day: JC's hamburger had too many pickles. Like 6 or 8. Something like that. None of us liked pickles so we wrapped them all in a napkin and took them to the mall and gave it to a friend of ours that was working that day. He was confused and refused to eat them.

Anyway, the point is somewhere there is a group of people who worked at a Wendy's in Miami who one day (possibly) found a strange note in their suggestion box (if we did make a copy) and they were mildly amused by it (because anything that breaks the monotony of working a minimum wage job is amusing at the time) and it would be super cool if one of them was reading this right now.