Back in the 90's, I had a hobby of following my friends around at clubs and making them write bad poetry for me. The word poetry was used very loosely. Well, completely incorrectly would be a better term since it was also used for articles, completely fabricated self-help columns and random complete and utter nonsense.
These are the results of those (often drunken) ramblings.

Monday, August 30, 2010

All About Begly

Reader Profile
This was our first reader profile. It's also the questionnaire that spawned the game that eventually led to this. A lot of the questions were ripped off from Smash Hits magazine which was a magazine that I guess asked a lot of inane questions to celebrities. I think somewhere there there must be even more trivia questions about Begly because I eventually made a game board about it and we would actually play it. I remember one time sitting at TGIF's playing All About Begly and Begly wasn't even there.

Name: Begly

Date of birth/age:

Place of birth:

Eye color:

Hair color:

Becky, Bagel,Trompo
As far as I know, Monica was the only person who ever called her Trompo.

Fave insect:

Fave flower:

What’s in your pocket/purse?

Do you prefer baths or showers?

Can you fix a flat?

Underwear preference?
Hanes her way/ cotton

Dream TV show appearance?

Lucky clothes:
Jeans and t-shirt

Fave color:

Fave salad dressing:

Last book read:
Disappearing Act by Terry McMillan

What mayor drugs do you take?

Fave vice:
I don’t have one

Dream holiday:
The Islands

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Skinhead Poem


By Stephanie

I want a little skinhead

That I could call my own

I want a little skinhead

So I can take him home

And if I had a little skinhead

I would tie him up and

Tear off his clothes

And cut him open and

Drink his blood.

This poem definitely needs to be seen written longhand to be fully appreciated. It reminds me of his book I read in junior high called The Pigman where one of the kids did something similar with a poem about a teacher turning him into a mosquito. As far as I know Stephanie never read that book so I will allow that she came up with this on her own.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Rave

By Aralis

I was walking by
Intoxicated people
Surround me
Like a sea of
Writhing and wiggling
Rubbing against
Each other
Friendly junkies
Passing out masks
Full of Vic’s
Vapor Rub
What the hell?
What good can that possibly do?
Clear out your
Sinuses -maybe
Is that really
What’s next?
Chapstick? Advil?
Drinking a Slurpee
Really fast?
If you have had it
With every drug
Already that you need
To start experimenting
With Vic’s
You really need to get
A life
If Vic’s is the new
Fashionable drug
Then my grandmother
Is very hip
Maybe you have to be
On XTC to appreciate it
But I’m not about to
Spend $25 to find out.

You might ask why the illustration for this poem was a butterfly and not let's say, some vics (or as we Cubans call it, vipvaporoop) The answer is simple: I am lazy and I had butterfly clip art but not vipvaporoop clip art. I really like that word, vipvaporoop .Say it, it's fun. My friend Nora used to say it really fast to a techno beat while we sat around waiting for the people who were actually enjoying the rave to get tired and agree to go home. We learned our lesson about carpooling eventually.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Blue Hair

By: Jennifer

You can look at my face

And laugh in my face

You can call me weird

You can say I’m a disgrace

I really don’t care

What you think of me

Cuz the way you look

Makes me look pretty.

Again with this Jennifer person. Who is she? Is that her on that photo below? Doesn't ring a bell. You would think I would remember someone with blue hair, but I don't. Maybe she didn't have blue hair. After all, who says poetry can't be fiction? Still Jenny, if you are out there, would you be a dear and come claim your work?

Sunday, August 22, 2010


By: Nancy

Forget about your little fantasies
Quit staring at me you little freak
Everywhere I go there is someone like you
Looking at me with that same stupid look you have
What? Is that supposed to be sexy? Not to me!
Once you’ve seen that come hither look
From about a million bozos
You are not impressed anymore
Do yourself a favor and go find yourself
Some fat, ugly bitch with acne
Cuz that’s all you’ll ever get!

This one didn't have an accompanying illustration but there does seem to be some sort of fingerprint at the bottom.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Billy Joe

By: Brenda and Jennifer

Your name is Billy Joe

But my name you don’t know

You’re in a group called Greenday

Let’s get together out by the bay

I know we’ve never met

But you’ll like me I bet

You are on TV

But with me is where you should be

You may think I’m boring

But you might find me adoring

You may think I’m obsessed or crazy

But I’m like a flower called a daisy

You may be shy

But I’ll get you cuz I’m sly

This poem was something to let you know

How much I like Billy Joe

I have no idea who either one of these girls where but I guess they enjoyed the musical stylings of Greenday. It's a shame we don't know them anymore cuz Monica has Greenday Rockband.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Love is Blind

By: Aralis and Patty

Poor misguided girl
Can’t you see that boy on his lap?
Can’t you see that rainbow on his cap?
Naïve little girl
Don’t you see the way he flames?
He’s not playing games
He’s just not interested
Don’t take it personally, it’s not you
His daisy dukes, black boots and white
T-shirt should be a clue
Can’t you hear Streisand playing?
Much to your dismay
You must admit he’s gay.

Every time I see a poem by me and Patty, I automatically assume we wrote it about Begly, and we probably did. I certainly remember teasing her about the availability of some boy or other that she liked, but the truth is we were all there at some point when we were young and had yet to develop gaydar. Those damn gay boys can be pretty dazzling with their prettiness.

Deleted for my Safety

As an editor, I like to take the novel approach of never actually editing anything, but I'm going to make an exception here. The next page in the zine was all poems from someone who turned out to have a severe case of the crazies and would probably demand money if she saw her crap posted here. It's not like I have anyway of making money out of this. She'd probably try to sue me too if she read this, even thought I am not mentioning any names. Such is the extent of the crazy. so, I'm removing all her poetry from the zine which is a shame as they were all quite bad, and crapitude is what we aim for.


By: Dee

They clean themselves

Wash themselves with water

Prepare themselves for their

New ruler that same man,

The one who emerged from the

Clouds, the one who promised

Their freedom and independence

From their countries fall

The festivities inspired them

Their false faith illuminated

Their lives: the rule of the

Aryan race had just begun.

Young men smile, their

Innocence perceived by an

Evil leader prepared to condemn

Them all – like himself


I have no idea who this Dee was, but I suspect it was one of those people who actually took the poetry thing seriously. These were of course, the worse ones.

Is this thing about nazis? Pro-nazi or anti nazi? It's hard to tell. I think it might be saying Hitler was an alien. That's a new one.