Back in the 90's, I had a hobby of following my friends around at clubs and making them write bad poetry for me. The word poetry was used very loosely. Well, completely incorrectly would be a better term since it was also used for articles, completely fabricated self-help columns and random complete and utter nonsense.
These are the results of those (often drunken) ramblings.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Dear Patty

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

This club bites!!!

Bored in Bulgaria

Well Bored,

Bite it right back!!

Always good advice.

Dear Patty:

I’m an insomniac.

Sleepless in Seattle


To relieve you of your indisposition, you should watch old reruns of What’s Happening? That should do the trick.

Aww... What's Happening not getting any love! Then again, there must be a reason why it plays at 4am on Nick at Night ( note I have no idea if either What's Happening or Nick at Night are still on the air).

Dear Patty:

I need to get laid still.

Then you need to stop moving.

Muncher in Miami

Well, Muncher

The answer to this question lies in how desperate you are. Here are a few suggestions from Avery, my apprentice:

1- Go to a rave. There are plenty of people who are willing to take you op on your offer.

2- If not a rave, then go to Warsaw. (Warsaw was a gay club on south beach, not really a good place to go look for a woman but at least you got out of the house for a bit.)

Dear Patty:

I’m hungry, what should I eat?

Starving in Cincinnati

Dear Starving:

I suggest you go to Fuddruckers and get yourself a large basket of fries. Yumm!!

We used to go there almost every week before going to the Kitchen Club. The boys never had any money so they would just eat the free stuff from the condiments bar. One time I saw JC eat a full plate of tomatos and nacho cheese. ugh. I think there might have been some onions involved too.

Dear Patty:

What are crabs?

Confused in Colorado

Well, Confused:

According to Webster’s dictionary, they are numerous marine broadly decapod crustaceans.

They are.

Dear Patty:

I don’t really like this boy and he’s already confessed his love for me. What should I do?

Nutjob in G


I know it sucks when that happens but the best thing for you to do is to tell the poor boy your true feelings. If he’s cool, he’ll understand. And may the force be with you.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


By Nancy

From a crazy person, we now fall on the safety of our good ol' standard, Nancy. Never one to disappoint, here's another bitter rant.

Do not set limitations on me

Do not set unrealistically

High goals on me

Both extremes I can exceed or

Never establish

We are told that life is what we

Make of it

But no one tells us about

The car accident

That could amputate our


That could really suck if

You’re a dancer

So much for limitations and

High goals

No one informs us of the


We could loose our lives or

A loved one

In a plane crash

Look, the next time someone

Incredibly talented with a

Good job dies suddenly

Don’t mourn them

Go apply for their job

And go on with your life.

Such empathy!

censored for my safety

I'll be skipping over the next 3 poems because they were written by a nutjob who would probably want to get paid if they saw their stuff online even tho I'm not making any money out of this and you gave me the damn poems for my zine and they were not even that good/bad to begin with!


I wish I was kidding about this.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


By Nancy

Nancy wrote this poem about the lead singer of the Stone Temple Pilots.

You sing a song about

Leaving a bitch that really

Hurt you but I love you more

You continually have

Physical contact with men to

Confuse me, yet you marry a


You are my age, you just

Started your career and

Marriage. You are probably

Happy, yet I already feel

Burnt out.

"You continually have physical contact with men to confuse me, yet you marry a woman." has to be one of my favorite lines ever.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Teepee Western Wear

By Monica

I have no idea why Monica was so angry about those boots.

Aqua boots, sitting on the shelf

Hoping someone will buy you

And take you around town.

Oh, but aqua boots

You’re just too blind to see

How ugly you are

No one will ever buy you

Aqua boots

You should just die

Just like that alligator that suffered

Just so you could be made

And never bought

You fucking ugly aqua boots.

the best part is Monica's drawing of the boots.

Friday, February 11, 2011

technical dificulties

okay, this is giving me a hard time. Lemme try again

Letters to the editor/ voicemail to the editor

Letters to the Editor

What the hell is this Chocolate Boy and the Bear crap?

Gottess, Atlanta, Ga.

It is only the best graphic novel ever written.

That was a very insightful and thought provoking interview with the reader of the month in last month’s issue (Dec.) Keep up the good work!!!

Nancy, Miami, Fl.

Yes, yes it was.

I don’t think anything about it.

Nikki, Miami, Fl.

I'm not sure, but this might have been Nicole who was 5 at the time.

You may already be a winner.

Ed, Burbank, Ca.

I wasn't.

So…you guys put this thing together, huh?

Dave, Miami, Fl.

Yes, yes we did.

Letter from the editor

So I took longer than expected with this next post. I don't hear anyone complaining. Why isn't anyone complaining? Is anyone even there?

Letter from the editor

Welcome to the Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine’s first issue of 1995. I would like to take this opportunity to urge you to send more of your poetry, no matter how terrible. I strongly believe that untalented people need an outlet to vent their frustrations too and I’m here to print it. So don’t be embarrassed, no matter how bad your stuff is, it will never be as bad as Chocolate Boy and the Bear.

I still stand by it. I will print (post) anything anyone sends now. Even if it is worse than Chocolate Boy and the Bear.

Remember! We have voice mail so if you are too damn lazy to pick up a pen, just call.

Free classifieds! Just send us any flyer, note, etc…we will circulate it absolutely free of charge!!!!!!

Consumed by agony over personal problems? No problem! Just write to Dear Patty!

Yeh... so apparently this page didn't quite come out when I scanned it. Sorry about that. Well not really, it wasn't that interesting. This is actually an improvement.