What the fuck is going on?

What the fuck is going on?

By Annonymous (Nancy)

MTV is for the cool

VH1 if for those who suck

So what’s the deal with STP

Nirvana and Soundgarden?

Why do I have to tune

Into a channel

To watch my favorite bands

That if I found out

You were watching

I would beat up your ass

What I would like to know is

What the fuck is going on?

I’ve become my worst

Nightmare

A closet VH1 watcher.

So, I guess I gave away the secret, Nancy wrote this one. It's deffinitely her style so I think you guys would have guess even if I had not spoiled the anonymity. It goes to show you how long ago this was written that it mentions MTV and VH1 in relation to music. Not to mention that she lists Stone Temple Pilots and Nirvana as her favorite bands. I'm not sure why she hated VH1 so much, but I do know those of  us that were kids when MTV  came out, held a fondness for it for a long time after it stopped deserving it. The truth is it was cool in the 80's, it's not just nostalgia. But by the early 90's when this was written they had already started on the one way trip to Craptown.

 

Fate #3

Fate #3

By Nancy

Sometimes you can’t control

What happens

Fate can really fuck you

Over

If growing your hair long

And running around like a

Monkey

Makes you feel good inside

Then do it!

You never know when the

Next disgruntal postage

Employee will strike.

Nancy had a habit of calling poems "Fate" as you can see. They were always dark and rather bitter. So you could say her poems were like chocolate. It would be wrong, but you could say it. Obviously, the best part is the surreal line breaks which would create a rather disturbing rhythm if anybody would bother to read it like that.

I don't think the all caps was done on purpose, but I do feel the poem works best if it's shouted so that's how you should read it.

 

Buttermilk

By Nancy

From a crazy person, we now fall on the safety of our good ol' standard, Nancy. Never one to disappoint, here's another bitter rant.

Do not set limitations on me

Do not set unrealistically

High goals on me

Both extremes I can exceed or

Never establish

We are told that life is what we

Make of it

But no one tells us about

The car accident

That could amputate our

Legs

That could really suck if

You’re a dancer

So much for limitations and

High goals

No one informs us of the

Chance

We could loose our lives or

A loved one

In a plane crash

Look, the next time someone

Incredibly talented with a

Good job dies suddenly

Don’t mourn them

Go apply for their job

And go on with your life.

Such empathy!

Scott

By Nancy

Nancy wrote this poem about the lead singer of the Stone Temple Pilots.

You sing a song about

Leaving a bitch that really

Hurt you but I love you more

You continually have

Physical contact with men to

Confuse me, yet you marry a

Woman

You are my age, you just

Started your career and

Marriage. You are probably

Happy, yet I already feel

Burnt out.

"You continually have physical contact with men to confuse me, yet you marry a woman." has to be one of my favorite lines ever.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Nancy

Reader Profile

Reader of the month

You've seen her work, now you get to know Nancy's deepest darkest thoughts!

This month I was asked to be reader of the month. According to the answers given in previous reader profiles, I have some suggestions that could lead to a more interesting view of the person involved.

(Oh yeah? Well I am all powerful and what I say goes. I would like to add she made up all these extra questions – editor)

She made tons of extra questions. She holds the record for our longest reader profile ever. I do have to admit, she's got some really funny answers.

Name

Nancy

dob

5/12/67

Eyes

Green

Hair

Sexy, blonde and long

Nickname

Scorpia or anything you want

Fave insect

Scorpion

Fave flower

Venus fly trap

What’s in your pocket/purse? What would you like to have in there?

Oooohh baby…

Do you prefer baths or showers? And who with?

The who is more important than the bath or shower.

Underwear preference

Yes

Dream TV show appearance

To be skinny enough to appear on the playboy channel

Lucky clothes

I have more luck naked

Fave color

Black

Last book read

Taltos by Anne Rice

Dream holiday

Anything that don’t involve a hospital

Who would you like to tuck you in at night?

I would rather have someone untuck me

Is there any reason why people are afraid of you?

Only when I talk

Think of a movie

Pulp Fiction

What word best describes your sense of humor?

Perverse

If someone wrote a story about you and had some revealing things to say that might damage your self-image, what would you do?

Tell all, no matter what.

The police question you about a friend involved in politically radical activities, do you cooperate?

I’m probably involved

If you are a high school principal, will you hire a competent teacher that might be gay?

Yes, sexuality has no effect on education

You find out your spouse once made a porno, what do you do?

Rent it

Your boss’ fly is open, what do you do?

Laugh

If you are attractive, do you use your looks to get ahead in your career?

Yes

Walking along the beach, you see a couple having sex. Do you watch?

Depends on what they look like

And now for the best part, Nancy stationary! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, that was typed on a page of Nancy Stationary. She actually had notebooks made when she was Imperial Miss Florida. I have one. Of course I had t o publish it.

Now I wish I know what was that she wrote down there and I covered with my message of superiority. It's something about thanking me for giving her this opportunity or some other pageant formality like that.

Welcome Santa

By Nancy

We welcome a man into our home

In the middle of the night

When we are asleep

Without our knowledge

We welcome a man

Who has a red nose and a beer belly

And a very large bag

Who breaks in by climbing

Down a chimney or

Has a master key to the door

You can’t fool my kid she

Won’t be welcoming any strange

Drunks who want to break into

Our little home in the middle of the night

On the most celebrated of all holidays.

I was going to save this post for xmas day since it's a santa related on but then I thought, god knows if I'll even remember to post that day so lets just kep going with the chronological order and get on with it.

I'm not really sure where Nancy was going with this...I think maybe she was scared drunks were gonna break into her house and be mistaken for Santa Claus? Wasn't that the storyline in Bad Santa? This was very phrophetic of Nancy I think.

That said, this one was a particularly lazy attempt at doing an illustration, wasn't it? Let's have a look:

Yes, those are gift tags. Ugly ones too. Something else I just noticed, Nancy and I have very similar handwriting. Hers is a bit rounder and mine is a bit more OCD sized, but pretty similar. I wonder if this is just what happened when you went to high school in the 80's.

Let Me

By Nancy

Let me strip you from the waist down

Let me tie you up in the closet

Let me pour hot fudge

On your happily hard genitalia

When it cools

Let me lick it up

Let me bathe you

In lemony fresh Pledge

And let the dust have its way with you

First of all I need to add this disclaimer: don't try this at home.

I cannot be responsible for any 3rd degree chocolate burns on your man's goodies because someone got too carried away by Nancy's poetry. Then again, if you are not smart enough to realize hot sticky substance + extra sensitive body part = bad, maybe it's a good thing if you don't procreate.

Anything for a Q-tip

By Nancy

I need a Q-tip

Oh how I need a Q-tip

I haven’t had a Q-tip in five days

I just love the way it feels

Having that Q-tip between your

Fingers

Knowing it will soon find its way

Into your ear canal.

Who cares what the doctor says?

He don’t know the ecstasy

I’ll do anything for a Q-tip

Oh that precious Q-tip

When you stick it in and move

It in and out

The soothing comfort

The relaxed satisfied feeling

Only from a Q-tip.

Nancy was a pioneer in the obscure niche of Q-tip porn.

Stems of love

By Nancy

The flowers you bought for me died

I never saw them alive

I was too sick to see them

When they were alive

So you saved them for me to see

A week later I came to visit

And you gave me these stems

You call them stems of love

What are you, a psycho?

What kind of sick bastard

Gives their lover dead moldy roses?

Why couldn’t you just throw them away

And buy me more?

Or are you also cheap?

You cheap psycho bastard!

You could have thrown them away

And I would have never

Known they existed!

But nooooooo!

You had to let me know

The truth about you

And your fucking dead roses.

I've always been particularly proud of my artwork on this poem. Probably looked better than those roses that so angered Nancy.

Desirable

By: Nancy

Forget about your little fantasies
Quit staring at me you little freak
Everywhere I go there is someone like you
Looking at me with that same stupid look you have
What? Is that supposed to be sexy? Not to me!
Once you’ve seen that come hither look
From about a million bozos
You are not impressed anymore
Do yourself a favor and go find yourself
Some fat, ugly bitch with acne
Cuz that’s all you’ll ever get!

This one didn't have an accompanying illustration but there does seem to be some sort of fingerprint at the bottom.

The Fates have been Updated

I don't know if we were really introspective about fate at the time, or we just had a shortage of titles. Whatever the case, I believe we might have more fates to come in future issues.

The first one is one of Patty's
Fate

and this one is from Nancy
Fate#2

I'll post some more updates later tonite.

Classifieds

Ah, the classified! I think this was one of my favorite sections because it seems so blindly optimistic. We had all these fake classified for all this ridiculous projects like if there was ever a demand for any of this stuff.
Of course, nobody ever contacted us to order any of these things, but maybe we just didn't have a broad enough audience. Which brings me to my new hobby. I'm thinking of posting some of these on Craigslist and to what kind of responses we get and post them here. So stay tuned for that!

Come to Begly

Personalized erotic poetry wanted. Write to me. Tell me how much you want me and what you will do to me…
Contact Begly
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl
Don’t forget the KamaSutra oil of love.

The first insane thing about this is that Begly posted her actual real address. The second crazy thing is that we let her. We weren't even being bitches about it, we were honestly that innocent back then. Now all I can think about is how glad I am so pervert didn't show up at her house and show her in person what he wanted to do with her.

Do you suck or what?

Are you constantly wondering if your band is good enough to make it? Do you not believe your friends when they say they really like your new song? Do you just not trust anyone?
Then just send a demo to Patty.
I’ll really tell you if you suck or not. I won’t mind. I’ll enjoy it. I’m a bitch in the music business.
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

I think this one has the most potential from illiciting responses from people who actually get the joke.

My personal supernatural experiences
For your very own! Free copy!
Please send $2 for shipping and handling to “it’s my story”
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This one is Nancy's. She used to have a ghost at her old place. I keep forgetting to ask her if it's still around.

True story:
One night we were hanging out at her place and all of a sudden the dogs start barking at an empty corner of the room and then the baby (who is 20 now, OMG) crawled to where the dogs were and was staring at that corner too. I wish I could say the walls started bleeding or something, but nothing really happened. It was freaky at the time though.

Do you have body piercing stories to tell?
Then write to Jenna
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This was back before we realized this is every single piercing story ever:
I had something that was not pierced. I pierced it. It got infected. It got better.

It’s a lesbian thang!
Necklaces, pendants, t-shirts, stationery, etc.
Free catalogue!
Just send SASE to
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

There never was any catalog, so I guess it's a good thing nobody ever sent out for one.

Suggestions to Lord Weird
(address deleted)
England
God cannot contain the filth that plagues his realm. Steal it for the pages of the chaos engine and commit your darkness to the parchment, in blood

This one was one of those rare ones from someone who was actually serious about it. Lord Weird was someone else who had their own zine and agreed exchange ads.

Never eat another cow again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Send $1 for tofu recipes to
Tofu Recipes
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

Who would have thought back then Monica would actually grow up to be a chef?

My Little Spider

By Nancy

My little spider

Nailed to my wall

My little spider

That scares them all

You are only plastic

But you do the job

My grandmother thinks I’m a slob

“Don’t decorate your

Bathroom like that”

What does she know?

She’s an old bat.

It’s my spider

And my bathroom too

So I will nail anything

I want to the wall

Wouldn’t you?

As most of Nancy's poetry, this one is based on a true story.

Haiku

By Nancy

Come here Keanu
I am right here
And I want you to molest you

I could be wrong, but I don't think this is really a haiku. It's OK, none of our odes were odes either, so it's in keeping with our format of inaccuracy.

UPDATE: I looked up the definition of Haiku, but it was unessesarily complicated and I got bored, but I think I got enough information to say I was right the first time about it being wrong.

Fate #2

By: Nancy
If you had a friend die in a
Plane crash
Live with it
If your legs get chopped off in
An auto accident
Deal with it
All things happen for a reason
Who the fuck are you
To screw around with fate?


I like to think of this one as the poetry equivalent of Final Destination.

Terms of Endearment

By: Nancy

Dearie, lovie sweetie pumpkin

Muffie, love dove, babe and snukkums

Terms of love, names for lovers

Cookie’s crumb? Honey bun?

What crap!

Use your name

These words suck

If anyone ever says a word

In this manner to you

Or around you

Get out of the room

Cut the brake line

In the offending person’s car

And tell them to go to the store

For tacos

See what I mean? This woman could put Jane Austen to shame. Or maybe Jane Austen would just think Nancy should be ashamed of herself for writing this. I guess we'll never know.

I think those are supposed to be people kissing at the bottom. We had some really awful clip art and we used it constantly.

Betty

Betty
By: Nancy
Bats in the belfry
And a wooden spike
No! She don’t have sex at all.
Please don’t think she’s a dyke
She will chase you all around
Specially at night
Hold on to your neck
Oh! What a fright
Don’t be sad
It’s a nice way to die
Or be undead.


I have no idea why the name Betty. Not really a name ussually associated with Vampires. and yes, I'm aware it should be doesn't instead of don't, but that's how we published it back then, so that's how you get to see it here.
Here's the original

Doughnuts

Doughnuts

By: Nancy

I’m burning up for your love

If you ever work

In a doughnut shop

I will come

And do you

Behind the counter

I will be

Your doughnut hole

Nancy was always the romantic one of the group.

Ode to My Fish

Ode to my Fish
By Nancy

My poor little fish,
Dead little fish
Sunk instead of floating
No more kissing
No more swimming
You don’t even have
The decency to float
You suck
I spent a dollar twenty nine
To get you
I took you home and fed you
And this is what you do to me
You died
You stink so bad
The other fish won’t even eat you
You are nothing but a bloated pus ball
Hope the dead do feel pain
So you can tell when you are flushed.


I haven't gone through all the issues yet, but I can safely say not one of the things we called odes was actually an ode. I have to say, I really like this one. It's a bold choice of subject. You don't get enough fish hate poetry these days. One thing that puzzles me, I don't remember Nancy having this fish, even though I was always at her house back them.