Random ad

This was an ad someone sent me to post. It was too big for the classifieds, and it I shrank it down you couldn't see all the detail in the "artwork" so I just put it on a page somewhere in the middle of the magazine.
It was very optimistic of this person to think someone might pay $5 for one of those atrocities. I wonder if they ended up on Etsy?

Back issues

Back issues

I considered including this with the classifieds post yesterday, but then I thought it deserved it's own space, since it was a new feature. Since we technically only had one back issue at this point, we decided to add some fake publications to occupy more space.

Issue #1

Includes Ode to my Fish, Come to Begly, Monsters, Happy Birthday, etc… $1

The only legitimate back issue. Still available, order now!

All About Begly

Can’t get enough of Begly? Well, here’s your chance. Everything you ever wanted to know about Begly but were afraid to ask in this special Begly issue. Where was she born? What’s her favorite color? Toothpaste? Side of the bed? These and other exiting Begly facts for only $1

I had a lot of Begly facts, that I was constantly trying to make something out of. I don't remember which came first, the book or the game. Oh wait, I don't see the game ad so I guess that's next issue. I guess the book came first then.

It’s a Lesbian Thang

Monica’s collection of the best of the worst lesbian poetry. $1

We did have a lot of lesbian contributors. And they did have really bad poetry.

Nailarama

Why is the H invisible? You will never know unless you order this special issue chuck full of Naila information and fun facts.

I don't remember anything about Nahila exept that she existed and that she pronounced her name Nahila. Oh, and that it annoyed Monica.

SPECIAL get two issues at the special low price of $1.75

You save .25 cents!!!!!!!

Issue #2 Classifieds

We couldn't give our classifieds away, so I would sometimes fill up space by putting random business cards I found, I don't even know who those people were. Back then if you handed anything to me, I considered it a submission. I won't bore you with repeats from the first issue. Needless to say, we recycled our fake classified ads a lot. I'll just post the new additions.

SuperPatty Information Hotline

What’s SuperPatty up to?

Future appearances…her latest rendezvous…get the latest information.

Write to:

Superpatty Info hotline

This goes with my theory that if you don't have hype, you just need to create it. So what if SuperPatty's next appearance was at the record store (that she worked at), so what if she really wasn't up to anything in particular? It was exclusive information and that's why you had to have it. (Not that anybody ever did).

The sexy Dave Greeting Card Company

For free catalogue send SASE to sexydave c/o Begly

This is confusing to me. I had a couple of Daves at the time, and this could have come from either one of them, but then it says c/o Begly at the end which makes me suspect it might have just been Begly writing sexy stories about Dave. Only problem is, I don't think Begly knew either of them. Who was this extra Dave, and just how sexy was he?

Patty’s pet peeve:

Breathing thu only one nostril

Still true to this day.

Begly and the Essay

By Aralis and Patty

Curse the treacherous fiend

Who has imposed

The nightmarish hell

Upon the innocent Begly

700 words?

What does he think she is?

A dictionary?

An encyclopedia?

Interested?

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has toiled in this endeavor

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has come up with nothing

Help from her friends was not enough

Only a couple hundred words

Before their interest fades

Leaving Begly all alone with her torture

Woe is Begly

And her evil homework

Will her misfortunes ever end?

I guess the essay was for art class, which is kinda sad cuz if there is one subject that was made for bullshit, it is art class. This makes it a lot easier than those "fact" based classes such as History and Math where the teacher is looking for one specific answer.

Begly Don’t Want Poems

By Aralis and Patty

Begly don’t want poems

That have her name

Begly don’t want poems

She doesn’t want the fame

Begly don’t want poems

About the way she dance

Begly don’t want poems

About her romance

Begly don’t want poems

About long distance flings

Begly don’t want poems

About Ernie’s things

Begly don’t want poems

Of how boys she likes are gay

Begly don’t want poems

Tomorrow or today

I think this one was an actual good one. It kinda rhymes and it had some sort of rhythm going. Anyway, Begly should have known better than to tell us to stop writing poems about her.

I have no idea why I drew a plasma ball as the accompanying illustration. They're just cool, I guess.

Itsy bitsy spider all fucked up

by: Nora

It was a gloomy Tuesday afternoon (it must have been Tuesday cuz that’s when the Shell stations sell their super unleaded for five cents less).

I filled up Lucky (my car) with at least eight gallons cuz that’s the minimum purchase for a free car wash. The attendant gave me a ticket with the code to use for the car wash: 666

As I drove up to the panel I began to dial 6…6…6… I noticed there was an itsy bitsy tarantula resting on top of the panel.

I immediately loved her and called her Fluffy.

I took a piece of cardboard I found in my car and tried to scoop her up into it with the hopes of giving her a home.

Alas! She fell to the water. I searched and searched but couldn’t find her and as I sadly drove up to the car wash I heard her fragile body crushed under Lucky’s back tire.

Fucked up!

This one has the distinction of being the only thing ever written by Nora for the zine, so it's pretty special. Not good, but special. This was actually a true story. Except for the part where it was a tarantula, the rest is all true. I remember Nora coming to work very upset that she had killed a spider.

Valentines and other Random Stuff

To my valentine: I hope Valentine’s Day finds you naked, tied spread-eagle to a stove and covered in butter.

Nancy

I told you that cat and butter stuff was going to come back, didn't I?

I hope you get laid on Valentine’s Day

Begly

Can't argue with this one.

We are all dead

We like to be alive

We are all dead

We like the afterlife

Ali

This part of a zombie musical Ali and I wrote long before zombies became popular. This was already old when the Hiroshima Club came around so that's how ahead of our time we were. That's also how desperate for material we were that we were digging up stuff from years earlier to fill up the pages. Not sure why it went it the valentines section.

Contest

Send us a picture of your favorite ho! Details next month…

I don't remember this contest at all so I have no idea what we were planning to do with all those pictures of whores. I wonder what the first price in the contest was going to be.

Stems of love

By Nancy

The flowers you bought for me died

I never saw them alive

I was too sick to see them

When they were alive

So you saved them for me to see

A week later I came to visit

And you gave me these stems

You call them stems of love

What are you, a psycho?

What kind of sick bastard

Gives their lover dead moldy roses?

Why couldn’t you just throw them away

And buy me more?

Or are you also cheap?

You cheap psycho bastard!

You could have thrown them away

And I would have never

Known they existed!

But nooooooo!

You had to let me know

The truth about you

And your fucking dead roses.

I've always been particularly proud of my artwork on this poem. Probably looked better than those roses that so angered Nancy.

Deep Thoughts 2.0

Deep Thoughts

If you want to have a chicken to choke, you better treat a woman with respect.

Monica

Cheetos…they are cheesy and corny.

Naila

Big things come in little packages

Michelle

We had a modest turnout of deep thoughts in this issue, probably because most of the writer's efforts went into the pick-up lines instead.

Pick Up Lines

Pick-up lines

You look hungry, why don’t you eat me?
Patty
I think this one comes off more like an insult than a pick-up line, but I would still like to see it in a t-shirt.

I’m an amateur magician. Would you like to see me make myself disappear between your thighs?
Dave
I think Dave might have lied and not really made this one up himself.

Excuse me, I see you are not doing anything with your tongue, would you mind licking me?
Monica
This was part 1 and then you were supposed to respond with:

I don’t lick strangers but if you want to lick me, just lap away.
Stephanie
part 2
I don't know that I want strangers liking me but I guess it's slightly better than me having to lick them? Maybe?

You look like you need a vacation, why don’t you come visit Kima country?
Ya(kima)
This one actually sounds like it might work.

I want to climb your leg like a native boy looking for coconuts
Unknown
I don't remember who came up with this one but I've met someone else since that told me someone used it on her. It would make my life completely if it turned out that person got it from a zine they found at he record store.

Take off all your clothes, cover yourself in butter and tie yourself up to the stove. I’ll be there with a cat in fifteen minutes
Begly
You are going to find at least three more references to this in this issue alone. The whole cat/butter/stove thing refers to a scene in Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty smutfest. I think it was from the second book in the series Beauty's Punishment I think. From what I remember, Sleeping Beauty displeases her mistress so they tie her up to a stove covered in butter for whatever reason and then a cat happens to walk by and starts liking off the butter with sexy results...if you're into having butter licked off you by cats I guess. I haven't read that book in over a decade so I could be wrong. I really need to re-read it and give you guys a review.
The point it, it was such a ridiculous premise that we constantly made fun of it.

Sexy Questionnaire Results

These were the results to the previous issue's notorious questionnaire. The math made no sense whatsoever so I made up some graphs to make it look more official. I mean I made them now, what I made back them sucked as you can see.

bestiality got 0% votes all around

bondage was much more popular with 94% female, 55% males and 79% total.

necrophilia had a poor showing, probably because we meant real dead people. Vampire/undead section was further down. Still 9% of males said yes with 0 votes from the ladies.

incest 27% males, 22% females said yes

nobody wanted to have sex with their mother

orgies got a surprisingly good turnout with 73% of the males and 50% of females even tho I bet to this day very few of the people who said yes have actually been in an orgy.

cross dressing was no surprise with 27% males and 88% of the female. The thing is, a lot of people considered a girl wearing jeans and a t-shirt to be cross dressing so the female numbers should really have been a lot higher.

Kama Sutra oil of love was by far the most popular thing with 94% male and 91% female. I still have no idea why this was so popular in the 90's. I think maybe it was because they had a kiosk in the mall really close to the store where a lot of us worked. Subliminal advertising, I guess.

Strap-on was very confusing to most of the boys who did not understand how or why were they strapping this device on. After having the concept explained to them, still 22% said yes along with 27% of the girls.

velcro sheets got 50% and 64% male which is pretty good considering nobody knew what they were. I guess that is the percent of people who don't like to admit they don't know what something means.

Nobody wanted a hamster up the butt.

The undead were as popular back then as they are today with 77% of the females and 55% of the males.

Candle wax had the exact same stats which may or may not be a mistake.

Crotchless panties got 50% females 73% of the males.

Saran Wrap 55% male and 45% females mostly due to the popularity of Fried Green Tomatoes.

Prostitution 22% males and 45% females. It should be noted that the women polled thought they were being asked to play dress up while the guys thought they were renting real whores.

Harness got 50% male and 64% females

blow up dolls only got 11% males and 9% females and I even think that's way too much for the females.

exhibitionism got 50% females and 55% males which I know is a vicious lie and in reality way higher.

Voyeurism got the exact same results and my exact same opinion.

Public places were popular for sex with 66% females and 73% of males.

Underage, I feel the need to specify again, mean someone younger than you, not a child. Being that most people polled were around 20, 17 was technically illegal even if still socially acceptable. Anyway, 61% females said yes and 64% of the males.

Sexy Questionnaire Results

I love you Soloflex

By???

This could be your arm
This could be your leg
This could be your stomach
This could be the way

The Haagen-Dazs
Muscle Machine
Only $39 a month. Call
1-800-BIG-N-FAT


I really have no idea who did this one. It looks a bit like Nancy's handwriting, but it' not the kind of poem that she would write. It is not smutty or angy or full of angry smut. I do think those were some halloween stickers I had so it had to be one of my people that wrote it and not one of the random strangers at the Kitchen Club.

Coming Up: Dear Patty!

Write to Dear Patty on our next issue

This was just a random little blurb under the Morrissey poem. Well not even a blurb, more like an incomplete sentence. The important thing is that this was the beginning of out self-help column. Patty really does have a gift for this, she should take it back up.

Feel free to send her psychotically obsessive requests to restart her column.

Ode to Morrissey

Another ode to Morrissey that is not even remotely and ode and its not really about Morrissey either, it's about Nine Inch Nails. It's also not signed, but I think Stephanie wrote it (Stephanie, if you are out there, let me know if you did this). It is ripping off The Smiths, so there is a connection.

Ode to Morrissey
(I want to wipe my buttocks with your)
What exactly is she wiping her buttocks with? His toilet paper I hope.

I wanted to see NIN
And I didn’t get to see NIN
And heaven knows
I’m miserable now.
I wanted to see Ministry
But the show was sold out
And heaven knows
I’m miserable now
All I’ve got
Is a big bag of pain

I wonder if she ever did get to see NIN in concert. I've seen them at least 4 or 5 times. There was a time back in the early 90's were NIN was opening for everybody. I saw them open for the Ramones once. Plus I saw them headlining a couple of times too. How could anybody go regularly to concerts in the 90's and somehow manage to miss NIN? I guess I can see that happening if you were going to see like MC Hammer or something like that. I don't think I know anybody who ever went to a Hammer concert tho. Hammer is only funny in retrospect. At the time we would have died of embarrassment if any of us was caught at an MC Hammer concert.
Now tthat I think about it, I think by the time this was written, even people who liked Can't Touch This would have died of embarrassment to be caught in an MC Hammer concert.

Chocolate Boy and the Bear, the Beginning

Chocolate Boy and the Bear

By Aralis

Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in Alaska and he was dipped in chocolate to keep warm.

One day Chocolate Boy was working on his igloo when a big polar bear tried to eat him but he gave him a coke and the bear became his best friend and would give him rides on his back.

Unfortunately hunters mistake Chocolate Boy for a seal riding a bear so they start shooting at him and they have to run into a cave to hide.

There they find a frozen caveman. The Bear tries to lick it and his tongue gets stuck to it so Chocolate Boy builds a fire to melt the ice and it turns out the caveman was really an eccentric millionaire that had sunk in the Titanic and he’s so grateful that he gives them a lot of money so chocolate boy buys an even bigger igloo and goes into business with the Bear solving crimes.

Watch out for the continuing adventures of Chocolate Boy and the Bear in upcoming issues!

Ah, good 'ol CB and the Bear. I don't remember how this came about, but I do remember Patty and I thinking it was hilarious for some reason. I think the idea was to come up with a really bad comic strip. What we ended up was not so much a comic strip as some random text and one stick figure. At least the "bad" part was accomplished.

All About Begly

Reader Profile
This was our first reader profile. It's also the questionnaire that spawned the game that eventually led to this. A lot of the questions were ripped off from Smash Hits magazine which was a magazine that I guess asked a lot of inane questions to celebrities. I think somewhere there there must be even more trivia questions about Begly because I eventually made a game board about it and we would actually play it. I remember one time sitting at TGIF's playing All About Begly and Begly wasn't even there.

Name: Begly

Date of birth/age:
(18)

Place of birth:
Venezuela

Eye color:
Brown

Hair color:
Brown

Nickname(s):
Becky, Bagel,Trompo
As far as I know, Monica was the only person who ever called her Trompo.

Fave insect:
Butterfly

Fave flower:
Tulip

What’s in your pocket/purse?
Nothing

Do you prefer baths or showers?
Showers

Can you fix a flat?
No

Underwear preference?
Hanes her way/ cotton

Dream TV show appearance?
Seinfeld

Lucky clothes:
Jeans and t-shirt

Fave color:
Red

Fave salad dressing:
Ranch

Last book read:
Disappearing Act by Terry McMillan

What mayor drugs do you take?
None

Fave vice:
I don’t have one

Dream holiday:
The Islands

Skinhead Poem

Untitled

By Stephanie

I want a little skinhead

That I could call my own

I want a little skinhead

So I can take him home

And if I had a little skinhead

I would tie him up and

Tear off his clothes

And cut him open and

Drink his blood.

This poem definitely needs to be seen written longhand to be fully appreciated. It reminds me of his book I read in junior high called The Pigman where one of the kids did something similar with a poem about a teacher turning him into a mosquito. As far as I know Stephanie never read that book so I will allow that she came up with this on her own.

The Rave

By Aralis

I was walking by
Intoxicated people
Surround me
Like a sea of
Chemicals
Writhing and wiggling
Rubbing against
Each other
Friendly junkies
Passing out masks
Full of Vic’s
Vapor Rub
What the hell?
What good can that possibly do?
Clear out your
Sinuses -maybe
Is that really
Pleasurable?
What’s next?
Chapstick? Advil?
Drinking a Slurpee
Really fast?
If you have had it
With every drug
Already that you need
To start experimenting
With Vic’s
You really need to get
A life
If Vic’s is the new
Fashionable drug
Then my grandmother
Is very hip
Maybe you have to be
On XTC to appreciate it
But I’m not about to
Spend $25 to find out.

You might ask why the illustration for this poem was a butterfly and not let's say, some vics (or as we Cubans call it, vipvaporoop) The answer is simple: I am lazy and I had butterfly clip art but not vipvaporoop clip art. I really like that word, vipvaporoop .Say it, it's fun. My friend Nora used to say it really fast to a techno beat while we sat around waiting for the people who were actually enjoying the rave to get tired and agree to go home. We learned our lesson about carpooling eventually.

Blue Hair

By: Jennifer

You can look at my face

And laugh in my face

You can call me weird

You can say I’m a disgrace

I really don’t care

What you think of me

Cuz the way you look

Makes me look pretty.

Again with this Jennifer person. Who is she? Is that her on that photo below? Doesn't ring a bell. You would think I would remember someone with blue hair, but I don't. Maybe she didn't have blue hair. After all, who says poetry can't be fiction? Still Jenny, if you are out there, would you be a dear and come claim your work?