Letters to the Editor Issue 5

Letters to the editor

Apparently I did find those letters

Voice mail

Or they were just messages on my voice mail? Remember voice mail? Nobody uses that anymore even though it still exists. Sometimes talking is so much easier than typing, specially when you're driving and you only have till the light changes to leave your message. The problem is when you leave a voice mail nobody listens to it, they just text you back "what's up?" and then you have to wait for another red light to answer it but there is no more sure fire way to never get a red light than to need one for something.  I guess you can just text while driving but I'd rather not get into a car accident. I guess that makes me a square.

    What a great idea! a mini-magazine which explores different moods, genders, his spelling, not mine fashion, movie reviews, tofu recipes, clubs, bars, sexual activities, party tips, trash telling columns and poems galore.

     I think that everyone should get their hands on this zine. If you are gay, a freak, punk, black, white, Hispanic, heterosexual, bisexual, Chinese, this zine is for you.

    Best wishes to the staff of the Hiroshima Club Beat. It’s definitely more than a zine.

The Fruitman in Miami aka Albert aka Wansetta Boom Boom

Poem my little cousin made up but I’m gonna take credit for it: I think Begly's cousin stole this poem from someone else too

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Candy is sweet

And so are you

I have a deep thought too:

I’m so freaking bored at work – dead bored.

By Begly

It’s great! Original! Funny!

It lets you release your frustrations from work, school or home (living with overprotective parents). Keep up the great work!

            Mister Man, Miami, Fl

I have no idea who made this post.

Why is a chickpea neither a chick nor a pea?

            Begly

Begly loved Linda Richmond back then.

Issue #4 Back Issues/ Classifieds

Back Issues

Don’t miss out. Back issues available for a limited time only.

That's a like, they're still available and it's been almost 20 years.

Issue #1           includes: Ode to my Fish, Come to Begly, Monsters, Happy Birthday,                                etc… $1

Issue #2           includes: Stems of Love, Itsy Bitsy Spider Fucked Up, The Rave and                                 many more!!! $1

Issue #3           the xmas issue $1

All About Begly   Can’t get enough of Begly? Well, here’s your chance. Everything you                           ever wanted to know about Begly but were afraid to ask in this special                           Begly issue. Where was she born? What’s her favorite color? Toothpaste?                                  Side of the bed? These and other exiting Begly facts for only $1

It’s a Lesbian Thang   Monica’s collection of the best of the worst lesbian poetry. $1

It’s a Tofu Thang        Lesbian’s talk about tofu. Riveting! $1

She never did get around to writing this, so it's a good thing nobody ever got around to ordering it.

Classifieds

Gottess greatest hits

Not available in any stores – yet! Be among the first to delight in the gottesses’ divine melodious rythims. Includes her all time hits, as well as her new ventures into Spanish song.

Her singing was so horrible that it was hilarious. The funniest part is she actually had an album or two that did ok. It was Germany tho, and we all know how they feel about David Hasselhoff so  that's how much we can take their opinion on singing Americans.

Auditions: actors, musicians, cinematographers, etc… needed for upcoming foreign film. Stay tuned…

I have no idea what this was for.

Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine

We bring bad things to life.

Order yours today!

We want to get to know you better!

The better we know you, the better we will be able to serve you. Please list the names and birth dates of all the 12 and under children you will buy for in the space below. Thanks!

This was more a matter of having cut this question out of the newspaper magazine than of actually caring in anyone answered it.

This space available

 

 There was also a few ads for other zines that were actually serious about what they were doing. I think they were all from this one guy Stephen who had like 15 different zines. That's not an exaggeration. I wonder how many blogs he's running by now?

 

Note to Wendy

By Begly

Every time I think of you, I go biggie

Every time I unwrap my hamburger, I go biggie

Every time I see your picture in my cup, I go biggie

Every time I slide a fry out of the box, I go biggie

Every time I see your father on TV, I go biggie

You ever have one of those days where you feel drunk even though you have not had any alcohol? this was one of those days. It was Begly, JC and me at Wendy's and for some reason we thought that poem was the funniest thing ever. I remember part of what made it so funny was that we intended to put the card in the suggestion box. But I had the card to xerox for the zine so I guess we never did. Maybe we wrote two of them? I remember being very exited about the staff reading this later,so I can't believe we walked away without doing it. I am sure however that we were too damn lazy to bring it back after I copied it, so I know that's not an option.

Another thing I remember about that day: JC's hamburger had too many pickles. Like 6 or 8. Something like that. None of us liked pickles so we wrapped them all in a napkin and took them to the mall and gave it to a friend of ours that was working that day. He was confused and refused to eat them.

Anyway, the point is somewhere there is a group of people who worked at a Wendy's in Miami who one day (possibly) found a strange note in their suggestion box (if we did make a copy) and they were mildly amused by it (because anything that breaks the monotony of working a minimum wage job is amusing at the time) and it would be super cool if one of them was reading this right now.

Begly and the Essay

By Aralis and Patty

Curse the treacherous fiend

Who has imposed

The nightmarish hell

Upon the innocent Begly

700 words?

What does he think she is?

A dictionary?

An encyclopedia?

Interested?

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has toiled in this endeavor

For thirty days and thirty nights

She has come up with nothing

Help from her friends was not enough

Only a couple hundred words

Before their interest fades

Leaving Begly all alone with her torture

Woe is Begly

And her evil homework

Will her misfortunes ever end?

I guess the essay was for art class, which is kinda sad cuz if there is one subject that was made for bullshit, it is art class. This makes it a lot easier than those "fact" based classes such as History and Math where the teacher is looking for one specific answer.

Begly Don’t Want Poems

By Aralis and Patty

Begly don’t want poems

That have her name

Begly don’t want poems

She doesn’t want the fame

Begly don’t want poems

About the way she dance

Begly don’t want poems

About her romance

Begly don’t want poems

About long distance flings

Begly don’t want poems

About Ernie’s things

Begly don’t want poems

Of how boys she likes are gay

Begly don’t want poems

Tomorrow or today

I think this one was an actual good one. It kinda rhymes and it had some sort of rhythm going. Anyway, Begly should have known better than to tell us to stop writing poems about her.

I have no idea why I drew a plasma ball as the accompanying illustration. They're just cool, I guess.

All About Begly

Reader Profile
This was our first reader profile. It's also the questionnaire that spawned the game that eventually led to this. A lot of the questions were ripped off from Smash Hits magazine which was a magazine that I guess asked a lot of inane questions to celebrities. I think somewhere there there must be even more trivia questions about Begly because I eventually made a game board about it and we would actually play it. I remember one time sitting at TGIF's playing All About Begly and Begly wasn't even there.

Name: Begly

Date of birth/age:
(18)

Place of birth:
Venezuela

Eye color:
Brown

Hair color:
Brown

Nickname(s):
Becky, Bagel,Trompo
As far as I know, Monica was the only person who ever called her Trompo.

Fave insect:
Butterfly

Fave flower:
Tulip

What’s in your pocket/purse?
Nothing

Do you prefer baths or showers?
Showers

Can you fix a flat?
No

Underwear preference?
Hanes her way/ cotton

Dream TV show appearance?
Seinfeld

Lucky clothes:
Jeans and t-shirt

Fave color:
Red

Fave salad dressing:
Ranch

Last book read:
Disappearing Act by Terry McMillan

What mayor drugs do you take?
None

Fave vice:
I don’t have one

Dream holiday:
The Islands

Love is Blind

By: Aralis and Patty

Poor misguided girl
Can’t you see that boy on his lap?
Can’t you see that rainbow on his cap?
Naïve little girl
Don’t you see the way he flames?
He’s not playing games
He’s just not interested
Don’t take it personally, it’s not you
His daisy dukes, black boots and white
T-shirt should be a clue
Can’t you hear Streisand playing?
Much to your dismay
You must admit he’s gay.

Every time I see a poem by me and Patty, I automatically assume we wrote it about Begly, and we probably did. I certainly remember teasing her about the availability of some boy or other that she liked, but the truth is we were all there at some point when we were young and had yet to develop gaydar. Those damn gay boys can be pretty dazzling with their prettiness.

Classifieds

Ah, the classified! I think this was one of my favorite sections because it seems so blindly optimistic. We had all these fake classified for all this ridiculous projects like if there was ever a demand for any of this stuff.
Of course, nobody ever contacted us to order any of these things, but maybe we just didn't have a broad enough audience. Which brings me to my new hobby. I'm thinking of posting some of these on Craigslist and to what kind of responses we get and post them here. So stay tuned for that!

Come to Begly

Personalized erotic poetry wanted. Write to me. Tell me how much you want me and what you will do to me…
Contact Begly
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl
Don’t forget the KamaSutra oil of love.

The first insane thing about this is that Begly posted her actual real address. The second crazy thing is that we let her. We weren't even being bitches about it, we were honestly that innocent back then. Now all I can think about is how glad I am so pervert didn't show up at her house and show her in person what he wanted to do with her.

Do you suck or what?

Are you constantly wondering if your band is good enough to make it? Do you not believe your friends when they say they really like your new song? Do you just not trust anyone?
Then just send a demo to Patty.
I’ll really tell you if you suck or not. I won’t mind. I’ll enjoy it. I’m a bitch in the music business.
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

I think this one has the most potential from illiciting responses from people who actually get the joke.

My personal supernatural experiences
For your very own! Free copy!
Please send $2 for shipping and handling to “it’s my story”
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This one is Nancy's. She used to have a ghost at her old place. I keep forgetting to ask her if it's still around.

True story:
One night we were hanging out at her place and all of a sudden the dogs start barking at an empty corner of the room and then the baby (who is 20 now, OMG) crawled to where the dogs were and was staring at that corner too. I wish I could say the walls started bleeding or something, but nothing really happened. It was freaky at the time though.

Do you have body piercing stories to tell?
Then write to Jenna
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This was back before we realized this is every single piercing story ever:
I had something that was not pierced. I pierced it. It got infected. It got better.

It’s a lesbian thang!
Necklaces, pendants, t-shirts, stationery, etc.
Free catalogue!
Just send SASE to
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

There never was any catalog, so I guess it's a good thing nobody ever sent out for one.

Suggestions to Lord Weird
(address deleted)
England
God cannot contain the filth that plagues his realm. Steal it for the pages of the chaos engine and commit your darkness to the parchment, in blood

This one was one of those rare ones from someone who was actually serious about it. Lord Weird was someone else who had their own zine and agreed exchange ads.

Never eat another cow again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Send $1 for tofu recipes to
Tofu Recipes
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

Who would have thought back then Monica would actually grow up to be a chef?

Come to Begly

By: ???

Come to Begly

You won’t regret it

Come to Begly

You won’t forget it

Come to Begly

I don’t bite

Come to Begly

Or maybe I might

Come to Begly

I’m not a tease

Come to Begly

I promise to please

See what I mean? we didn't sign it, but I'm sure it was us. I don't know why we were so obsessed with Begly. I think it's because it annoyed her. People should really know better than to tell me not to do something.

Here is the original version of the fabulous illustration I made to go with the Poem. Not really sure why I chose to portray Begly as Medusa, but it is quite enchanting. She also seems to be a vampire. And have three nostrils.

Mystery Poem

Untitled
By: I honestly don’t remember

Come to me
You delicious piece
Of manhood
My big beautiful
Black stallion
Let me ride you
Off into the sunset
I will ride you bareback
I will ride you hard
I will ride you like
You have never been ridden
Before.


Apparently nobody wanted to take credit for this one, even back then. I have a suspicion it was either Begly, or Patty and I pretending to be Begly. I have been looking over all the poems and Begly seems to have been a big source of inspiration for Patty and me.

Here is the original from the zine