Crumpled up paper narrowly missing a waste paper basket

This was my very bad attempt to do something in the style of Edward Gorey. This is what his stuff looks like in case you don't know.

I failed miserably.

Ode to my Television

By Patty

Oh how I long to turn you on

Pressing the right buttons to satisfy our needs

Listening to your sweet sounds, but no!

You just lay there

Collecting dust

Oh how I ache to see you again

Penetrating you with a surge of energy

Awakening you from your deep sleep.

Ah, the ever popular sexual innuendo with everyday object. A classic.

You can see we got real lazy with this one, there is no artwork and I didn't even bother to type it. Let's pretend it was on purpose and call it minimalistic, shall we?

Note to Wendy

By Begly

Every time I think of you, I go biggie

Every time I unwrap my hamburger, I go biggie

Every time I see your picture in my cup, I go biggie

Every time I slide a fry out of the box, I go biggie

Every time I see your father on TV, I go biggie

You ever have one of those days where you feel drunk even though you have not had any alcohol? this was one of those days. It was Begly, JC and me at Wendy's and for some reason we thought that poem was the funniest thing ever. I remember part of what made it so funny was that we intended to put the card in the suggestion box. But I had the card to xerox for the zine so I guess we never did. Maybe we wrote two of them? I remember being very exited about the staff reading this later,so I can't believe we walked away without doing it. I am sure however that we were too damn lazy to bring it back after I copied it, so I know that's not an option.

Another thing I remember about that day: JC's hamburger had too many pickles. Like 6 or 8. Something like that. None of us liked pickles so we wrapped them all in a napkin and took them to the mall and gave it to a friend of ours that was working that day. He was confused and refused to eat them.

Anyway, the point is somewhere there is a group of people who worked at a Wendy's in Miami who one day (possibly) found a strange note in their suggestion box (if we did make a copy) and they were mildly amused by it (because anything that breaks the monotony of working a minimum wage job is amusing at the time) and it would be super cool if one of them was reading this right now.

Dear Patty

Dear Patty:

Where can I find a date that will do me right?

Answ: go to Spec’s

That was a vicious lie! I used to visit Patty at work all the time and I never did find a proper date. Specs was a record store, in case you didn't know.

Dear Patty:

I need to get somebody to fall madly in love with me before Xmas so that he can buy me the $70 Barbie I want. What should I do?

Answ: love potion. Put a spell on a person or meet lots of drunk guys who will give you $10 and $15 each and accumulate the money for the doll.

This one was mine. I Never did find the love potion but I did get the Barbie doll. I had to settle for the lower priced version without the outfits but at least I got the doll. Still have it too.

Dear Patty:

If I get a breast reduction, will the doctor pierce them?

Answ: I don’t see why not.

I don't remember who asked this one. I wonder if he ever did get his nipples pierced?

Dear Patty:

I tried to sleep but the phone kept on ringing. What should I do?

Frustrated in Flagler.

Answ: take the phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall.

Awww... remember when phones used to be connected to the wall?

Dear Patty:

I have a purple bump on the back of my ear where it’s pierced and it’s bothering me.

Crusty in Miami Lakes

Answ: well, if there is anything bothering you or anything on your body, especially if it wasn’t there in the first place, it’s a sign that something isn’t right and should be taken care of. In short, maybe it’s infected.

We were always very careful to make it clear that Patty was not a real licensed physician and not a substitute for medical help.

I don't remember who posted this question, but I do remember Nancy piercing people's ear in her house with a potato and a sewing needed so she was probably responsible for this in some capacity.

Dear Patty:

I hate my cousin.

Begly

Answ: well Begly, in order to answer your question I need to know what it is. Write me again and elaborate on it.

That is a sketch I did of Monica looking out a window or something. I really have no idea, I just know it's Monica. It looks exactly like her. I'm good.

Alternation Wide was somebody who sent me that ad to post. As usual, I had absolutely no info on what they did, I just posted their ad.

Beat me

By Aralis

You can hit me

I don’t care

Beat me senseless

If you dare

Tie me up

And gag me too

Strike me until

I’m black and blue

Senseless torture

I don’t mind

As a matter of fact

I encourage it.

A couple of pages over, I would post another poem about how don't you dare to hit me but I will be more than happy to beat you up. A girl is entitled to change her mind, isn't she? Ah, the pleasures of schizophrenic S & M!

Let Me

By Nancy

Let me strip you from the waist down

Let me tie you up in the closet

Let me pour hot fudge

On your happily hard genitalia

When it cools

Let me lick it up

Let me bathe you

In lemony fresh Pledge

And let the dust have its way with you

First of all I need to add this disclaimer: don't try this at home.

I cannot be responsible for any 3rd degree chocolate burns on your man's goodies because someone got too carried away by Nancy's poetry. Then again, if you are not smart enough to realize hot sticky substance + extra sensitive body part = bad, maybe it's a good thing if you don't procreate.

Anything for a Q-tip

By Nancy

I need a Q-tip

Oh how I need a Q-tip

I haven’t had a Q-tip in five days

I just love the way it feels

Having that Q-tip between your

Fingers

Knowing it will soon find its way

Into your ear canal.

Who cares what the doctor says?

He don’t know the ecstasy

I’ll do anything for a Q-tip

Oh that precious Q-tip

When you stick it in and move

It in and out

The soothing comfort

The relaxed satisfied feeling

Only from a Q-tip.

Nancy was a pioneer in the obscure niche of Q-tip porn.