Issue #4 Back Issues/ Classifieds

Back Issues

Don’t miss out. Back issues available for a limited time only.

That's a like, they're still available and it's been almost 20 years.

Issue #1           includes: Ode to my Fish, Come to Begly, Monsters, Happy Birthday,                                etc… $1

Issue #2           includes: Stems of Love, Itsy Bitsy Spider Fucked Up, The Rave and                                 many more!!! $1

Issue #3           the xmas issue $1

All About Begly   Can’t get enough of Begly? Well, here’s your chance. Everything you                           ever wanted to know about Begly but were afraid to ask in this special                           Begly issue. Where was she born? What’s her favorite color? Toothpaste?                                  Side of the bed? These and other exiting Begly facts for only $1

It’s a Lesbian Thang   Monica’s collection of the best of the worst lesbian poetry. $1

It’s a Tofu Thang        Lesbian’s talk about tofu. Riveting! $1

She never did get around to writing this, so it's a good thing nobody ever got around to ordering it.

Classifieds

Gottess greatest hits

Not available in any stores – yet! Be among the first to delight in the gottesses’ divine melodious rythims. Includes her all time hits, as well as her new ventures into Spanish song.

Her singing was so horrible that it was hilarious. The funniest part is she actually had an album or two that did ok. It was Germany tho, and we all know how they feel about David Hasselhoff so  that's how much we can take their opinion on singing Americans.

Auditions: actors, musicians, cinematographers, etc… needed for upcoming foreign film. Stay tuned…

I have no idea what this was for.

Hiroshima Club Beat Poetry Zine

We bring bad things to life.

Order yours today!

We want to get to know you better!

The better we know you, the better we will be able to serve you. Please list the names and birth dates of all the 12 and under children you will buy for in the space below. Thanks!

This was more a matter of having cut this question out of the newspaper magazine than of actually caring in anyone answered it.

This space available

 

 There was also a few ads for other zines that were actually serious about what they were doing. I think they were all from this one guy Stephen who had like 15 different zines. That's not an exaggeration. I wonder how many blogs he's running by now?

 

Classifieds 3

Here it is! Our third instalment of the classifieds and our last post from issue #3. How time flies. Once again I am reminded of my promise that I will start posting these on Craiglist for our amusement and I will...eventually.

Send me your smut! I need more porno! Good porno, none of that tacky crap in the back of Playboy. Erotic fantasies about Q-tips preferred.

Send to Nancy

I bet you this one gets a lot of responses. I thought about googling the phrase "erotic fantasies about q-tips" but I was afraid of the amount of pop up porn I would encounter.

Artistic Designer

Fantasy art, portrait, rock and movie stars, logos, cassette tape covers, gothic goddesses.

Commissions from L5/$5 including postage

Write to Katia

All mail will be answered

This one was one of those people that actually took their ad seriously. I bet she ended up on etsy. People in Europe get kinda screwed with her pricing. I have a feeling ones on the US got screwed too anyway.

Hiroshima Club Zine

Send us your bad poetry

We’ll print anything

I still will. Go ahead and send it.

Personalized games!

Be the center of attention! Send away for our questionnaire, send it back to us and in 2 to 4 weeks you will receive a fun filled game all about yourself!!!! We guarantee that you will win every time!

Send $19.99 to Personalized Games

I think it's a great idea. Why doesn't anyone else?

Random ad

This was an ad someone sent me to post. It was too big for the classifieds, and it I shrank it down you couldn't see all the detail in the "artwork" so I just put it on a page somewhere in the middle of the magazine.
It was very optimistic of this person to think someone might pay $5 for one of those atrocities. I wonder if they ended up on Etsy?

Issue #2 Classifieds

We couldn't give our classifieds away, so I would sometimes fill up space by putting random business cards I found, I don't even know who those people were. Back then if you handed anything to me, I considered it a submission. I won't bore you with repeats from the first issue. Needless to say, we recycled our fake classified ads a lot. I'll just post the new additions.

SuperPatty Information Hotline

What’s SuperPatty up to?

Future appearances…her latest rendezvous…get the latest information.

Write to:

Superpatty Info hotline

This goes with my theory that if you don't have hype, you just need to create it. So what if SuperPatty's next appearance was at the record store (that she worked at), so what if she really wasn't up to anything in particular? It was exclusive information and that's why you had to have it. (Not that anybody ever did).

The sexy Dave Greeting Card Company

For free catalogue send SASE to sexydave c/o Begly

This is confusing to me. I had a couple of Daves at the time, and this could have come from either one of them, but then it says c/o Begly at the end which makes me suspect it might have just been Begly writing sexy stories about Dave. Only problem is, I don't think Begly knew either of them. Who was this extra Dave, and just how sexy was he?

Patty’s pet peeve:

Breathing thu only one nostril

Still true to this day.

And we are done with the first issue!

Yes, it's true! I have finished updating the classifieds post, so now we are officially done and ready to start up on issue #2 like I promised - Yay!

In related news:
I just remembered (and by that I mean I read ) that I was going to post some of these classifieds on Craigslist to see what happens, so I think I am going to do that tonite. I'll let you know what happens.

Classifieds

Ah, the classified! I think this was one of my favorite sections because it seems so blindly optimistic. We had all these fake classified for all this ridiculous projects like if there was ever a demand for any of this stuff.
Of course, nobody ever contacted us to order any of these things, but maybe we just didn't have a broad enough audience. Which brings me to my new hobby. I'm thinking of posting some of these on Craigslist and to what kind of responses we get and post them here. So stay tuned for that!

Come to Begly

Personalized erotic poetry wanted. Write to me. Tell me how much you want me and what you will do to me…
Contact Begly
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl
Don’t forget the KamaSutra oil of love.

The first insane thing about this is that Begly posted her actual real address. The second crazy thing is that we let her. We weren't even being bitches about it, we were honestly that innocent back then. Now all I can think about is how glad I am so pervert didn't show up at her house and show her in person what he wanted to do with her.

Do you suck or what?

Are you constantly wondering if your band is good enough to make it? Do you not believe your friends when they say they really like your new song? Do you just not trust anyone?
Then just send a demo to Patty.
I’ll really tell you if you suck or not. I won’t mind. I’ll enjoy it. I’m a bitch in the music business.
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

I think this one has the most potential from illiciting responses from people who actually get the joke.

My personal supernatural experiences
For your very own! Free copy!
Please send $2 for shipping and handling to “it’s my story”
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This one is Nancy's. She used to have a ghost at her old place. I keep forgetting to ask her if it's still around.

True story:
One night we were hanging out at her place and all of a sudden the dogs start barking at an empty corner of the room and then the baby (who is 20 now, OMG) crawled to where the dogs were and was staring at that corner too. I wish I could say the walls started bleeding or something, but nothing really happened. It was freaky at the time though.

Do you have body piercing stories to tell?
Then write to Jenna
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This was back before we realized this is every single piercing story ever:
I had something that was not pierced. I pierced it. It got infected. It got better.

It’s a lesbian thang!
Necklaces, pendants, t-shirts, stationery, etc.
Free catalogue!
Just send SASE to
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

There never was any catalog, so I guess it's a good thing nobody ever sent out for one.

Suggestions to Lord Weird
(address deleted)
England
God cannot contain the filth that plagues his realm. Steal it for the pages of the chaos engine and commit your darkness to the parchment, in blood

This one was one of those rare ones from someone who was actually serious about it. Lord Weird was someone else who had their own zine and agreed exchange ads.

Never eat another cow again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Send $1 for tofu recipes to
Tofu Recipes
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

Who would have thought back then Monica would actually grow up to be a chef?