Ah, the classified! I think this was one of my favorite sections because it seems so blindly optimistic. We had all these fake classified for all this ridiculous projects like if there was ever a demand for any of this stuff.
Of course, nobody ever contacted us to order any of these things, but maybe we just didn't have a broad enough audience. Which brings me to my new hobby. I'm thinking of posting some of these on Craigslist and to what kind of responses we get and post them here. So stay tuned for that!
Come to Begly
Personalized erotic poetry wanted. Write to me. Tell me how much you want me and what you will do to me…
Don’t forget the KamaSutra oil of love.
The first insane thing about this is that Begly posted her actual real address. The second crazy thing is that we let her. We weren't even being bitches about it, we were honestly that innocent back then. Now all I can think about is how glad I am so pervert didn't show up at her house and show her in person what he wanted to do with her.
Do you suck or what?
Are you constantly wondering if your band is good enough to make it? Do you not believe your friends when they say they really like your new song? Do you just not trust anyone?
Then just send a demo to Patty.
I’ll really tell you if you suck or not. I won’t mind. I’ll enjoy it. I’m a bitch in the music business.
I think this one has the most potential from illiciting responses from people who actually get the joke.
My personal supernatural experiences
For your very own! Free copy!
Please send $2 for shipping and handling to “it’s my story”
This one is Nancy's. She used to have a ghost at her old place. I keep forgetting to ask her if it's still around.
One night we were hanging out at her place and all of a sudden the dogs start barking at an empty corner of the room and then the baby (who is 20 now, OMG) crawled to where the dogs were and was staring at that corner too. I wish I could say the walls started bleeding or something, but nothing really happened. It was freaky at the time though.
Do you have body piercing stories to tell?
Then write to Jenna
This was back before we realized this is every single piercing story ever:
I had something that was not pierced. I pierced it. It got infected. It got better.
It’s a lesbian thang!
Necklaces, pendants, t-shirts, stationery, etc.
Just send SASE to
There never was any catalog, so I guess it's a good thing nobody ever sent out for one.
Suggestions to Lord Weird
God cannot contain the filth that plagues his realm. Steal it for the pages of the chaos engine and commit your darkness to the parchment, in blood
This one was one of those rare ones from someone who was actually serious about it. Lord Weird was someone else who had their own zine and agreed exchange ads.
Never eat another cow again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Send $1 for tofu recipes to
Who would have thought back then Monica would actually grow up to be a chef?