And we are done with the first issue!

Yes, it's true! I have finished updating the classifieds post, so now we are officially done and ready to start up on issue #2 like I promised - Yay!

In related news:
I just remembered (and by that I mean I read ) that I was going to post some of these classifieds on Craigslist to see what happens, so I think I am going to do that tonite. I'll let you know what happens.

Now with even More updates!

I realize it seems like forever since I have posted anything new but aren't all the pretty pictures worth it? No? Well what do you know? You're not even real. I will continue with the assumption that my audience is imaginary until someone proves me otherwise.

First of, we have some Monsters haunting our dreams, followed by some ranting about babies, some good old fashioned stalking, the always tasty (not really) tofu and finally, a beautiful love poem to Butthead.

And there you have it, now we just have the Classifieds to deal with tomorrow and we are all caught up and can start up with issue #2. And by tomorrow I mean sometime next week.
See you then!

The Fates have been Updated

I don't know if we were really introspective about fate at the time, or we just had a shortage of titles. Whatever the case, I believe we might have more fates to come in future issues.

The first one is one of Patty's
Fate

and this one is from Nancy
Fate#2

I'll post some more updates later tonite.

more scans

Here, I added some more new scans

To Kurt

letter from the editor

Ode to my Fish

terms of endearment

deep thought

Happy Birthday

sexy questionnaire

Deep Thought Page

Cottonball

Classifieds

Ah, the classified! I think this was one of my favorite sections because it seems so blindly optimistic. We had all these fake classified for all this ridiculous projects like if there was ever a demand for any of this stuff.
Of course, nobody ever contacted us to order any of these things, but maybe we just didn't have a broad enough audience. Which brings me to my new hobby. I'm thinking of posting some of these on Craigslist and to what kind of responses we get and post them here. So stay tuned for that!

Come to Begly

Personalized erotic poetry wanted. Write to me. Tell me how much you want me and what you will do to me…
Contact Begly
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl
Don’t forget the KamaSutra oil of love.

The first insane thing about this is that Begly posted her actual real address. The second crazy thing is that we let her. We weren't even being bitches about it, we were honestly that innocent back then. Now all I can think about is how glad I am so pervert didn't show up at her house and show her in person what he wanted to do with her.

Do you suck or what?

Are you constantly wondering if your band is good enough to make it? Do you not believe your friends when they say they really like your new song? Do you just not trust anyone?
Then just send a demo to Patty.
I’ll really tell you if you suck or not. I won’t mind. I’ll enjoy it. I’m a bitch in the music business.
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

I think this one has the most potential from illiciting responses from people who actually get the joke.

My personal supernatural experiences
For your very own! Free copy!
Please send $2 for shipping and handling to “it’s my story”
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This one is Nancy's. She used to have a ghost at her old place. I keep forgetting to ask her if it's still around.

True story:
One night we were hanging out at her place and all of a sudden the dogs start barking at an empty corner of the room and then the baby (who is 20 now, OMG) crawled to where the dogs were and was staring at that corner too. I wish I could say the walls started bleeding or something, but nothing really happened. It was freaky at the time though.

Do you have body piercing stories to tell?
Then write to Jenna
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

This was back before we realized this is every single piercing story ever:
I had something that was not pierced. I pierced it. It got infected. It got better.

It’s a lesbian thang!
Necklaces, pendants, t-shirts, stationery, etc.
Free catalogue!
Just send SASE to
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

There never was any catalog, so I guess it's a good thing nobody ever sent out for one.

Suggestions to Lord Weird
(address deleted)
England
God cannot contain the filth that plagues his realm. Steal it for the pages of the chaos engine and commit your darkness to the parchment, in blood

This one was one of those rare ones from someone who was actually serious about it. Lord Weird was someone else who had their own zine and agreed exchange ads.

Never eat another cow again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Send $1 for tofu recipes to
Tofu Recipes
(address deleted)
Miami, Fl

Who would have thought back then Monica would actually grow up to be a chef?

Cum to me

By Monica

I want to please

Big Daddy Butthead

Oh Daddy come to me

Love me, have me

Let me touch you

Make me feel like a woman

I love you Big Daddy Butthead

Just a little farmer boy

Let me choke your chicken

Oh Big Daddy Butthead

I dunno about this title...if it shows up in searches, I think it's going to bring some people to the blog who are going to be extremely disappointed when they see the actual content. Then again, I can't picture any kind of person who would not be disappointed by our content.

This is a great rendition of Butthead I did here. I realize it's not really that much of an accomplishment, but have you looked at some of our other drawings?

Hungry

By Monica

Tofu, tofu, tofu
So smelly and gross
Tofu, tofu, tofu
I want you for lunch

By Monica

I was always confused by this one because I never thought tofu smelled particularly bad. To be honest I don't really know if it smells like anything. I mean, I have never really held raw tofu to my nose and sniffed it, but if it doesn't smell bad enough that I can tell when I open the package, I think we're okay.

I would like to point out how tofu is just a featureless rectangle and yet we still managed to fuck up the illustration.

Ernie

By Patty

Hello? Hello?
Answer the phone
You better answer this time
I’m sick of talking to your
Mother every time I call
Where are you?
Damn it!
This is the last time
I call you
No, I’m not obsessed!
But I love you.

I don't really remember who this Ernie was, but I think he might have been gay. I don't want to give too many spoilers, but I think there is a poem coming up complaining about some guy being gay that might be him.
That seems to be a big problem for young girls before they get old enough to develop proper gaydar. I blame the popularity on Twilight on that. I mean seriously, glittery boys only make good boyfriends to other boys.

Sacrifices

By Patty

Babies, babies
Crying, whining
Babies, babies
Throwing, growing
Babies, babies
Vomiting, plummeting
Me to my death
Babies, babies
I don’t want them.

I guess the lessson we have to learn here is you should never let Patty babysit. I'm not that worried about her hatred of babies as much as her inability to prevent being murdered by one. I myself can take any baby down in a fight single-handedly.

Monsters

By Patty

I slowly open m bedroom door. open
Slowly, quietly so I won’t wake
them up. I creep into my bed and cover
Myself not exposing any vulnerable
Parts for potential biting, sucking…
Who knows?
I close my eyes but can’t sleep, the
Rustling in the closet and the
Groaning under my bed makes my mind go
Wild. What is going on out there?
Are there other children held hostage
Taken from their homes, am I the next
Victim?
Are people getting tortured, maimed
Killed…or are they having sex
Against their will? Being put into
Positions they never thought they
Could endure?
Hmmmm?
Maybe I’ll open the closet door
Tonite. Monsters don’t sound bad
After all.


It seems if there is one running theme throughout all these so called poems, is the weird way all the lines are cut with no regard to sentences. I'm pretty sure we were just going by whatever looked the closest to a square when we were typing it and nothing to do with how it should be read or what was grammatically correct.

The drawings were done by me and it looks like the doodles I would draw in class. I kinda like it. I think I might try to color it like I did with the sheep one and Begly.

My Little Spider

By Nancy

My little spider

Nailed to my wall

My little spider

That scares them all

You are only plastic

But you do the job

My grandmother thinks I’m a slob

“Don’t decorate your

Bathroom like that”

What does she know?

She’s an old bat.

It’s my spider

And my bathroom too

So I will nail anything

I want to the wall

Wouldn’t you?

As most of Nancy's poetry, this one is based on a true story.

Murderers

By Jenna

Some kill on purpose
Some kill for fun
Some kill for free
Others get paid a ton
If you are someone
That won’t kill for free
Then you better go away
And let the other killers be

A lot of our poems seem to have involved killers, killing...getting killed, not so much. we were angry young people.

No idea what the bats have to do with anything other than I like drawing them. Those are supposed to be bats, BTW.

Waiting for Mario’s band to play late one Tuesday evening

By (me?)
I didn't sign it, but I'm pretty sure it must have been me

Bored, bored, bored
Time passes
By, by, by
Nothing ever happens here
Might as well
Die, die, die
Get off the stage
You boring band
I came to see my friend play
You’re wasting my time

An Ode to Chris Cornell

By Aralis and Patty

Chris,

You sacrilegious beauty

I would do you

Even though you look like Jesus

I bet you would look

Really good

Tied up to a stick

Wearing nothing but a loincloth

I wouldn’t nail you

But you can nail me anytime

I am willing to risk

My mortal soul

To have you

I will confess all my sins

And do whatever penance

You choose

I will eat you

I will drink you

And be one with you

Amen

The funny thing is, I never even liked Chris Cornell. Or Soundgarden for that matter.

You know the only reason that there isn't a really sacrilegious illustration to go with this is that nobody could successfully draw a naked man. Not an attractive one anyway.

Haiku

By Nancy

Come here Keanu
I am right here
And I want you to molest you

I could be wrong, but I don't think this is really a haiku. It's OK, none of our odes were odes either, so it's in keeping with our format of inaccuracy.

UPDATE: I looked up the definition of Haiku, but it was unessesarily complicated and I got bored, but I think I got enough information to say I was right the first time about it being wrong.

To Kurt

By Stephanie

You are so pretty

With that hole in your head

Why can’t you love me?

Now that you’re dead

Well, at least this solves the mystery as to what year was it that we published the first issue.

This one didn't have an accompaning illustration. You're welcome.

Ode to Sheep

By Stephanie

The mysteries of sheep
Are known to an exclusive club
We all know what is special
About our furry love
The exquisite downy fur
A carnival to stroke
My words for that sweet mammal
So deep I can but choke
For nothing I can say
To deride my woolen friend
To be by a sheep’s side

And fuck him in his end.

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this is the best poem ever. And it has an illustration too!


Ug..... I don't know what happened there, it was right side up when I uploaded it. It's 2am, I'll fix it later. you get the gist.

Ode to a Tortured Man

By Stephanie

Morrissey

Delicious piece of manhood

Wasted

You asexual dude

You know I could be

The only one for you

Let me drown myself

In your painfully

Handsome sorrow

You see

You hear

You feel

My pain

The only one who knows

Embodied

In a scrumptious man

Wasted.

It's hard to pick whats better, the poem or the picture. This is one of those rare occasions when I think it was actually good. And that picture - i looks EXACTLY like Morrissey! I bet you would have know it was Morrissey even if you didn't read the poem.

Sexless

By Jade Payne

She’s finger licking good

She melts in my mouth

And my hands

Wanting to dive into her muff

Right now

Sticking my tongue down her throat

Traumatized I am,

As I discover

I am only dreaming!!!!!!

This one came with a beautiful illustration that I need to scan ASAP. I also think this might have been a companion piece to the Zima one I just posted.

It’s a Clear Beverage

By: Monica

Michelle, oh poor Michelle
On the public phone you are
So lonely and bored
Drinking a Zima by the side of the store
With a pain in her back that just won’t stop
Telling me about work
The black girl was beautiful yummy and fine
Sipping her Zima and smoking her cigarettes
She sits all night by the phone and
Talks to all.

Do they even make Zima anymore? Poor Zima always gets made fun of. I think I remember it not tasting that bad.